12 years ago, i was in the hospital, having been in labor for 4 hours...i'm glad i didn't know then that i still had almost 20 more hours until i'd get to meet my sweet baby girl. ♥

right now, there is a room full of giggly, squealing, LOUD 12-year-olds upstairs who sound like they are going to come through the ceiling at any minute. Lord help me. heheh.
i am so thankful He chose me to be her mama...even though i didn't deserve it, and even though i suck at it sometimes. i am so thankful for the people who supported me, and who never questioned my decisions, and who had my back when others were not so supportive or loving. praise God for friends!
i never doubted that she was a gift from Him, and no accident. a living example of His mercy and grace. and that is why her name is Hannah.

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

this is what makes me smile:
wondering if she'll make a mess this big with her cupcake this year?

sometimes i feel like something in my brain short circuits, and things get all muddled and wonky. sometimes it makes me feel lost, confused, overwhelmed, unsure...i forget where i was, and what i was doing-the path i was on before the short circuit. i get frustrated, i feel like i am spinning in a circle and everywhere i look i see something i might have been working toward..or...not? i feel like i need to wake up from a dream, but am fully aware that i am awake. life in a fog, or under the bell jar is not one i prefer. i am hoping for clearheaded-ness to return. with a quickness.

"Hear my prayer, O Jehovah; give ear to my supplications: In thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. And enter not into judgement with thy servant; for in thy sight no man living is righteous. For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground: he hat made me to dwell in dark places, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy doings; I muse on the work of thy hands. I spread forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a weary land. Selah. 
Make haste to answer me, O Jehovah; my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I become like them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Deliver me, O Jehovah, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy Spirit is good; lead me in the land of uprightness. Quicken me, O Jehovah, for thy name's sake: in thy righteousness bring my soul out of trouble. And in thy lovingkindness cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul; for I am thy servant."
Psalm 143


this is what makes me smile:
forehead curls. ♥

today i was blessed to watch my daughter play with both of my nieces together,
i had numerous hilarious, as well as heartfelt conversations with various family members,
my daughter showed that she really loves giving more than receiving,
i made some bangin' queso blanco,
and i found out that hairless guinea pigs exist.
the best part, my favorite part of Christmas Eve each year, was going to our Christmas Eve service.
this year, we didn't have candle light, but for the first time in a very long time i got to sit in a pew with both of my sisters at the same time. i didn't think about it before hand, but while we were all sitting there singing carols, the realization that that hadn't happened in nearly a decade really hit me. i am so thankful to have been able to share this most special evening with them. ♥

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus Christ

2 In those days la decree went out from mCaesar Augustus that all the world should be nregistered. 2 This was the first nregistration when1 Quirinius owas governor of Syria. 3 And all went to be registered, each to his own town. 4 And Joseph also went up pfrom Galilee, from the town of qNazareth, to Judea, to rthe city of David, which is called sBethlehem, tbecause he was of the house and lineage of David, 5 to be registered with Mary, his betrothed,2 who was with child. 6 And twhile they were there, the time came for her to give birth. 7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and uwrapped him in swaddling cloths and vlaid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in wthe inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lordxappeared to them, and ythe glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all zthe people. 11 For aunto you is born this day in bthe city of David ca Savior, who is dChrist ethe Lord. 12 And fthis will be a sign for you: you will find a baby gwrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel ha multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

14 i“Glory to God jin the highest,

jand on earth kpeace lamong those with whom he is pleased!”3

15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the babymlying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But nMary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, oglorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

this is what makes me smile:

love.

today was a great day.
i made roughly 90 pancakes.
and talked about football way too much.
also, i collected my free coffee from starbucks. that was awesome.
my favorite part of today was having a dinner date with my daddy. :)
AND our weather forecast has changed from 0% chance of a white christmas to 50% chance. ooooh that would be so cool. but even if not, we are supposed to have thunderstorms tomorrow, so that will be pretty cool.
ok, random post over. :)

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

and this is what makes me smile:
hanukkah humor...

sometimes i avoid my blog because i am feeling superbly negative, and i know that anything that comes out of me will also be superbly negative. especially here, where i often spew forth without filtering myself. sooo that's where i've been. plus, i've been kinda busy with holiday goings & doings. and also, even with all the extra "activity" i still couldn't think of anything interesting enough to bother to write.

even now, i am struggling. heheh.

i think i shall write you all...

a holiday haiku.
by me.

harried people rush
gathering a lot of junk
the real gift is Love

merry christmas. :)

i'm trying to remember to "Do everything without grumbling or complaining." Philippians2:14

what i'm listening to:

this is what makes me smile:
reindogs.

"some people are placed into your life as blessings. others are placed there as lessons."
so true.
and sometimes it's difficult to tell one from the other..until it becomes glaringly obvious.
i hope that i enter more people's lives as a blessing, than i do as a lesson.

today, i made some fantastic cookies. they were oatmeal craisin and white chocolate chip...i don't even really like white chocolate. way to go, quaker oats guy. you share a delicious recipe on your canister lid. :)

i am including this because my day has been packed full of conversations concerning facial hair. and this is funny. pretty accurate, but i don't agree with the unkempt beard being threatening. as a friend of mine said, "i've never been threatened by an unkempt." :) i saw a shirt that was similar to this once..the beard measurements went down the shirt..the longest stage was called "wizardly" if i remember right. aaaanyway.

verse i'm loving today:
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:1-5

this is what makes me smile:
two of my favorite treats in one container.

so, normally on a monday evening at 8pm i'd be about two hours shy of the end of classes for the day. this evening has seemed to stretch on f-o-r-e-v-e-r. that is good...just really weird. i keep looking at the clock,  thinking it's hours later than it actually is. and i can't tell you how awesome it is not to have some homework assignment looming over me.
but...i miss my classmates! when  you are learning massage, you learn all the ins & outs, functions and abilities of the entire body. and you get to know your classmates very, very well. there were many challenges we all had to face, and overcome throughout this year and some odd months. it was really great to have Dh, Z, K, S, and Db there (as well as Willi), to encourage me, and help me through things that were difficult for me. i am so, so grateful to have met them, and since i am sitting here thinking about how strange it is to not be spending the evening with them, i think i will tell you all about our strange little crew.

to begin with, the class started with around 10 students...some things happened (a lot of which i am still not all that clear about) within the school and classes were postponed a month, with the option for each student to stay enrolled, or to dis-enroll with no penalties and a full refund. when classes resumed, there were 3 students remaining. Dh, Z, and Db. within the next few weeks, K and i would contact the school and be offered spots in the program. a month later S followed.

Dh is one of the sweetest, most caring, encouraging, God-trusting, REAL women i have ever met in the entirety of my existence. she is in her late 40s, a devoted mom of 5, and loving grandmother to 8...with one on the way. Dh is very mild mannered, and was a nurse until a few years ago, when she quit her job to stay home and care for her grandchildren so her kids could work. Dh shares her home with her husband, and FOURTEEN of their family members. she enrolled in PMI because she felt God calling her to use massage as a ministry tool....somehow. she (much like myself) is still not sure how this will come about, or to what capacity she will be using her education. but that's okay. :) did i mention she is sweet? and nurturing? and freaking awesome? she is. ♥

Z is fresh out of high school. at first glance, i was honestly a teeny bit scared of her. hahahahaa. this is ridiculous to me now, but serves as an example of how easily we tend to judge people before getting to know them. Z is kind of rough around the edges, but she's got a very tender heart. she loves to do things for people, but has built up walls to protect herself. she hasn't had the easiest time of it. there are lots of people who treat her badly, and that makes me angry. she can be crass, rude, and disrespectful at times, but only as a defense mechanism. i've gone from wanting to hide from her to wanting to protect her. she is brave, and also afraid..and always willing to give something a try, and always willing to listen to advice that is given with a healthy dose of love. Z has become like the additional little sister i didn't know i wanted. heheh.

Db is a free spirit. she is crazy and predictably unpredictable. she was a student in the program 5 years ago and suddenly dropped out on a whim, in order to travel across the country, living like a gypsy. in fact, she IS a gypsy. Db has some of the most interesting family heritage i've come across in a while. she's got a grandmother on each side of her family who was 1/2 jewish. one was jewish & romani gypsy, and the other is jewish & catholic. she's kind of got mixed up ideas about theology and has practiced almost every religion you can possibly imagine...most recently one that she made up herself. she is searching, seeking, and trying to heal on her own after being hurt or let down by so many. i'm working on showing her that not all who follow Christ are hypocritical, religious, and hateful. it's been a bit of a road, she's been belittled and berated by "christians" and, having been raised in a christian home herself, really knows how to argue. non-believers who know the Bible are the most challenging sort. despite the differences in our faiths, Db has become a very good friend. she's fun..our personalities are really similar, as are our general moral beliefs and opinions on lots of different topics. i think of all my classmates, Db and i are most kindred.

K is a late twenties prim & proper dental office receptionist. of all my classmates, i probably know the least about K, which is strange to me because she was with me from day one. she was just as nervous and unsure as i was, but, like me, was ready for a change in her life. K is really private, and can come off as cold and sarcastic...but i appreciate a dry sense of humor, and once K warms up to you she is a fierce ally. about half way through our second semester, K announced that she was also about halfway through her first TRImester... yay for babies! ♥

S was the last to join our little class. she is tough. as soon as i saw her i thought, "that girl plays softball. and probably volleyball." i was right...on both counts. :) what i didn't know was that she was also a preschool teacher, like me. she became interested in massage because about 10 years ago, she was taught by-hospice nurses-how to relieve the edema in her mother's arms  following the removal of her lymph nodes, because of cancer. S lost her mom when she was still in high school, which gave her both a strength and a gentleness that i admire. S is probably the most determined of our group. she may have started the latest, but she finished just as strong as any of us, and i am proud to call her a friend as well as a colleague in both of my professions. :)

and then there's me. a burnt out single mama, grasping at straws. trying to hang on, trying to be a light, and fumbling down a road that seems bumpy and twisty most of the time..never quite sure of myself, but always sure of one thing- God has a plan for me...a plan for good, and not evil. my steps are ordered by Him, and so long as i trust Him, and follow Him He will lead me and will never, ever let me down.....even when the way i am going feels crazy. :)

"The Lord will guide you continually..." Isaiah 58:11

this is what makes me smile:
one of my favorite versions of one of my favorite songs...

i
have
graduated.

:)

"This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you for your good and leads you along the paths you should follow.'" Isaiah 48:17

this is what makes me smile:
being finished.

what a great day. :)

it snowed, just enough to look pretty.

i didn't get behind a tractor going 18 mph...but i DID get behind a garbage truck...which pulled over to let me pass! that never happens!!

my tea was perfectly perked.

i got to color for half an hour. at work.

i made up a casserole for lunch AND the kids liked it.

i got to hear W say, "miss amy, that was berishus."

i found a radical half green/half purple grape.

the dishwasher was very cooperative.

i found out i am not the only adult who dances like a 2 year old.

the door was NOT opened suddenly while i was using the bathroom at work.

one of the toddlers called me "amy"...which is a big deal because she only says about 8 other words...hotdog is one of them, lol. (one of the other kids in that class calls me "yunch"...because i bring his lunch. heheh)

i had some delicious hummus.

hannah did her homework without arguing.

i had a Divine appointment.

...where i saw an old friend.

i got to help 3 over-stressed moms of young kiddos to DE-stress.

i successfully removed a cake from a bundt pan.

i found my missing shoe.

and now matisyahu is on leno. 

see? told you it was a good one. :)

this just illustrates the fact that my crappy days (like yesterday, instead of murphy's law it was totally mine.) are so dependent on my own attitude. i was NOT having another yesterday today. so i didn't. and now i feel silly for having one yesterday. i even started off laughing at the ridiculousness of it all...but little by little i allowed that little grain of irritation to grow into a big ole pearl of sour grumpusness. thankfully, i am back to laughing at the ridiculousness of the vast amounts of things that went whack yesterday. i would include a list, just because i DO think it's funny, but i am going to refrain, just in case it may serve as a fertilizer for a crappy pants attitude in the future. i also purposefully did not post the long list of those things yesterday either, for the same reason. i am working on it, people. slow but steady wins the race, right? heheh

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

this is what makes me smile:

snow. duh.

i am having strange kind of flashback-y feelings to the end of my senior year in high school. it's a weird mix of emotions for me right now.
i graduate from PMI on friday. it's kind of hard for me to believe that i've already come to the end of my schooling, yet on the other hand it seems like it's been a long time coming. and by "it" i mean my actually following through with a nudge (in this case it was more of a kick, heheh).
i remember (vividly) my first "try out" class last november. i was sooo nervous. terrified, really, and not sure how things were going to work out, especially financially. i am still working on that part. trusting...it will come. when it's time. but no more classes after tomorrow night. i am really going to miss seeing the girls every monday & tuesday, and i'm so thankful to have met each one of them. i have never met a more motley crew that got along so well together. ♥ that would be a good blog post sometime.
so, i am "technically" graduating, but i still have a few loose ends to tie up before it's all officially official. i'm not sure why i'm not freaking out about not being completely done & REALLY graduating on friday, but i am attributing that unexpected peace and acceptance to God. it will all pull together when it is His time for it to happen- i am sure of that one thing, if nothing else. who knows? maybe by not being able to really move forward right now, i am being saved from jumping into something i shouldn't... perhaps, by having to wait a little longer, i will end up somewhere better.
 :)


this is what makes me smile:
my grandma's bathroom wallpaper.

when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, "it is well, it is well with my soul." ...though satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul. ... my sin-oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!-my sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! ... And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, even so, it is well with my soul. 
-Horatio G. Spafford.


do you ever just take a minute and let an old hymn really sink into your spirit? the songs i grew up singing back in the day, before the awesome trend of jumbo screens with lyrics, must have drilled deep down into my heart. when i hear or sing them now, they seem so much more meaningful to me than they did when i was young. my worship leader has taken to including one or two of the "old classics" in our otherwise very contemporary worship time. i am totally loving it. i've always thought that hymns get a bad wrap. maybe the style of the music they are sung to could use some tweaking, but the heart of the worshipper is still in the words. these songs are especially comforting and special to me in times when i have a lot going on..i find myself humming "jesus paid it all" or "blessed assurance" while washing the dishes, chopping up various items for the kids' lunches,  finishing up some last minute work for school... or while i am just attempting to peace out somewhere, trying to calm my mind & flush out some of those irritating worries that like to try to creep their way in. 
soo...yay for hymns! :)

this is what makes me smile:
celebrating Jesus.