wavy fade out/in
i am standing in front of myself. i see me, the way i always see me (like in a mirror, but 3D, i can walk around myself)..i can see my physical self and my spiritual or emotional self. i think, "yep. this is me." i don't really like what i see. as i watch, chunks of me start to crumble and fall away. (from both parts of me) and i am eventually looking at a person who is somewhat similar to me, but no one i would recognize if i just happened upon her. she seems pretty chill, i think i might like to hang out with her and start to introduce myself when someone calls my name, and the other girl turns and answers. this is how others see me. totally weird feelings wash over me. i am enlightened, yet confused. this is me? as i ponder, parts of this "me" begin to crack and flake away. i can't remember what this third "me" looked like physically, and i don't remember much about the inner character, either. i only know that when i looked at this person, all i felt was love. such. deep. love. i wanted to hug her. i cried. this is how God sees me. mind-blowing in my dream...feelings of thankfulness, gratefulness, unworthiness...
then i woke up thinking i had overslept (this is becoming a shamefully common occurrence lately), but saw that it was just after 4 and so i slid back to sleep with a smile on my face, and thinking, "woah...that was deep."
after spending the day pondering this dream, all i could really come up with is that i am feeling very blessed to have had it. i fully realize that the symbolism is obvious..so obvious that i think my brain feels like i don't really need to think about it deeply at all at this moment. i am just fixated on that amazing love. i know that the Lord loves me..because He tells me so over, and over, and over again. through His Word, yes, but also through His Spirit and the mundane, ordinary, every day blessed happenings all around me. and through the sunrise. i am cheesy enough to admit that this morning, i got teary because of it. yes, it was mind-numbingly beautiful, but i also had the overwhelming feeling that it was there so that i could see it. God made it beautiful to show me His great love for me. i feel like that sounds cocky or something, but it's how He feels about all of us, and i am really being hit hard with that fact lately-how much God loves us. me. you. the rude guy who cut me off on the way home from work. the homeless guy who sells paintings on the side of the road in shrewsbury, my grandma, your grandma, the president, jerry springer, the little kid down the road, the old man in jamaica who sells fresh mangoes on a stick....all of the people on this planet. even the ones who hate Him.
i am struck with thoughts of His exceeding love for people at some of the most random times. one that comes to mind was the other night; i was having trouble settling down after class & was flipping through channels. somehow i landed on fox news. haha. and not only that, but it was "Geraldo At Large." HA! anyway, i stopped there because geraldo was live at the "occupy wall street" camp, and i am not sure what that occupy stuff is really all about, so i kinda wanted to see if i could glean any good info (that was a big, fat NOPE.) geraldo was walking around asking random protesters questions, and there was this guy who just kept answering, "this is preposterous!! this is preposterous!!" with a big, drugged out, incredulous smile on his face and his dirty, fingerless-gloved hands on his cheeks. i swear i felt God say, "i love him so much."
which brings me to my latest conundrum. i am really needing to be doing more. i feel stifled, and time-waste-y. i KNOW God sent me to PMI and i KNOW He has a plan for this, and i am USUALLY really chill with waiting on finding out what that plan is until He is ready to reveal the next step to me..but recently i am losing my chill-ness with the waiting.
i need to get back to that place of peace. i just keep telling myself-wait upon the Lord, amy. trust Him...He won't let you down, or lead you astray. He also won't just leave you hanging here wondering forever what He's got planned.
i am trying to get back to that place of patient waiting...my problem here is i just want to KNOW what i am getting into. how am i going to use this skill/knowledge to glorify God? i don't think this was just an opportunity to get into a field where i will be able to make more money, and will be able to (finally) support hannah and myself. that is an excellent bonus, if things roll that way, but i don't think that's the reason He has me doing this...at least not the main reason. harumph.
i annoy myself when i start to get impatient. i think it was just last thursday that i was talking to a friend who asked me what i'll be doing when i graduated. my answer was, "i'm not really sure yet." and he said, "well, don't you think you'd better figure it out?" "i am waiting," i said. he didn't get it.
and now that i think about it, maybe that whole conversation is part of what has me so discontent with the delay in "next step info"...perhaps parts of that wiggled into my spirit and have been taking root and growing into this massive ball of "AAAAK I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I NEED TO KNOW NOW!!!" hmmm... food for thought, there.
words which i thought reminded me of my dream:
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12
this is what makes me smile:
this.
the cell phone quality photo definitely doesn't do it justice, but i kind of like that...i remember how amazing it was in person.
