what.
it's been a crappy bunch of days and weeks and months.
i've spent a lot of time curled up in the dark...
sleeping...or at least pretending to.
i am awake again.
thank God.

dreams are weird. sometimes weirder than others...i've been having a plethora of strange dreams lately, and last night i had one that i feel like i should write down, so that i don't forget it.

so here goes.

the dream started with me, a bunch of my family members, and a lot of other people in a basement that looked like it was set up for some sort of banquet or dinner. there were round tables with white table cloths, and a buffet line at the front. my aunts were "in charge" of the event. it was kind of dark, and i just remember kind of milling around talking to someone here and there, and then popping into the food line and grabbing a plate. my aunt more or less told me to get out of line because i wasn't a member of their church, and i was to let them go first. (this kind of reminds me of something that happened at my grandfather's funeral...but not exactly.) i didn't get out of line, but got a roll, and maybe some other food and went to a table where some of my family members were sitting. 

the next thing i remember is flying. i flew for 99% of the rest of my dream which was probably 50 times longer than the first "banquet" part. i flew all around, and in my dream i was aware that i was flying, and that i was dreaming. (i feel the need to mention i was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and had bare feet.) when i would realize that i shouldn't know how to fly, i would kind of flounder in the air, but i never fell. i flew like superman, like a bird, and like i was swimming. i played around with steering, and at gaining and losing altitude. it was pretty fun, and i have to say, i was pretty good at it.

at one point, my cousin showed up, and i remembered seeing him at the banquet. he tried to "show me how to fly" and ended up almost crashing me into some trees, and then flew me into some power lines. i remember thinking, "oh...i should be getting electrocuted." and then i could feel the electricity shocking my cheek, shoulder and arm. (how do i know what it feels like to be shocked? i grew up in the country...and was dumb enough to touch the electrical fence around the cow field in my back yard.) i eventually untangled myself from both my cousin and the power lines, and was no worse for the wear.

i flew around for a while..not really doing much but enjoying myself, and then all of a sudden a thought of the imminent arrival of some "bad" force came to mind, and i decided there was something i needed to do. i can't remember what that was exactly.
i ended up flying through several people's homes..while they were either sleeping or away from home. i don't know why, but it had to do with what i was supposed to be doing, and i also remember that i was trying to be very quiet and kind of sneaking through the house (still flying at most times), from front to back. i didn't take anything, or touch anything, but in both of the houses i remember, i got "caught." once as i was trying to leave the back door, which was a metal screen door, that had a knob which was kind of loud. in the second house, i went the whole way through to the back screened in porch, where there was a little girl-she saw me. i made it out to the back yard, and heard the people in the house coming to see if there was someone in their home. i hid in a big tree, and the next i remember, i was talking with the people as if we were friends. 

i felt urgent about doing something..to help these people in some way. the woman from the second house was pregnant, and the little girl was around 2-3 years old. i flew around some more, and then i was with the woman from the second house, and another person, and the woman started to look for her daughter because she was suddenly worried about the little girl. again, i had the sense that there was a dark presence on it's way, and that we needed to leave. we found the little girl, and she was telling us about 'the gris' that she had met and made friends with, and i immediately understood that this was the dark presence i had been anticipating. i asked the little girl "what do they want?" and she turned to me with a blank and eerie smile, and said sweetly, "miss amy, don't call him they." creeeeep out. haha. also at this moment, i realized that the woman from the second house and her daughter had been speaking spanish the entire time; from this point on i didn't automatically understand what they were saying to me, as i had before. i had to translate what they were saying into english in my mind. (by the way, gris=grey in spanish.) we talked for a few more seconds, and i remember seeing a dark mist over my left shoulder. 

the end. (i woke up.)

sort of a crappy place to wake up. this was a very vivid dream. it always intrigues me when i wake up and realize that i realized i was dreaming in my dream and took some control over what i was doing. 

i don't think i've ever had so much trouble with jet lag before...maybe i am just getting old. heheh.

it's taking a little getting used to being back home in a house with windows and doors that have screen and glass...it's so cold here. snowing, even. there have been a number of mild "OH NOOOOOES!" because i flused toilet paper, rather than tossing it in the trash (sorry if that grosses any of you out), or rinsed my toothbrush with water from the faucet. i've also been searching my house in vain for some fresh fruit. man, that stuff is addicting.

mainly, i just keep thinking how much we americanos have, and how little we appreciate it all. i am very attracted to living a more simple life, with a lot less having and a lot more doing.

coming home after being away-even for a short time-can be kind of weird and disorienting. especially when the relatively short time you were away actually seemed pretty lengthy. 

Nicaragua is a beautiful country full of gorgeous flora and fauna, and hosts a culture of people who are lovely inside and out. i saw so many amazing sights, met some wonderful people, and had a lot of interesting experiences...which i am doing my best to document while they are all still fresh in my mind. jet lag is a weird creature, let me tell you. 

so for now, i wll just update my list of hope to's/hope to not's... :)

• have an amazing time CHECK
• make and strengthen friendships CHECK
• experience a fascinating culture CHECK
• sample some delicious(hopefully) cuisine, including a sweet little cake called tres leches, which i had years ago and remember fondly.. CHECK
• maybe feel an earthquake or two no tremors. bummer. ah well...maybe next time. 
• climb a volcano...or three CHECK, CHECK, only climbed on two...but that was enough, heheh
• spend a weekend on a volcanic island in the middle of the world's only fresh water lake that is inhabited by sharks...CHECK
• swim in the pacific ocean for the very first time CHECK
• lounge in a hammock CHECK 
• get to practice my VERY limited spanish & likely get made fun of by the locals CHECK (though i didn't really get made fun of...actually, i was told "you sound espanish when you speak spanish. not like an american trying to speak spanish." heheh so cudos to Señor Ralston for being such a pronunciation nazi.)
• maybe see a monkey..which i am kind of excited about and freaked out about at the same time CHECK (after the experience, i am still kind of excited and freaked out. heheh...monkies can break your face. and they are especially intimidating when you're alone and they outnumber you by half a dozen.)
• take a boat trip CHECK 
• see some awesome trees and other natural beauty CHECK 
• and mooooooooore. :) CHECK 

some things that i could live without experiencing: 

• seeing a tarantula 
• seeing a python...from too close, anyway  
• finding a critter in my sleeping station..whatever that may be thankfully, the only one of the "hope not to's" that i experienced was the critters in the sleeping stations...geckos for sure, maybe a centipede, ants, don't even want to think about what else was tickling my arm and feet when i was sleeping on the floor...
• having my eardrum(s) rupture, or getting a migraine because of these aggravating sinus issues i'm having
• heartburn.

On the road (or in the air) again...

i officially give up the "theme" blog entries. forever. until i feel like doing one again, which i will undoubtably forget about or just not be able to think of anything to write about pertaining to said theme...

i am headed south of the boarder in a little over 30 hours..this is an adventure i've been anticipating excitedly since way back last fall. i was blessed to receive lots of financial donations to make my trip to Nicaragua possible, and have been promised lots of prayer support while i am gone. THANK YOU to all of my supporters. i love you guys so, so much. ♥

some things have cropped up in my life in the past couple of months that make me feel like someone is out to ruin this thing for me....which can only mean that good things lie ahead! right? seriously, one blow after another has come at me, affecting this trip directly or indirectly, trying to distract me, take away my enthusiasm, from all angles...craziness. but no one is going to steal one more ounce of my joy. i just refuse to give it up. i am going. i am going to love God, love others, and serve wherever/whomever i can.

in addition to being able to serve, i hope to:

• have an amazing time
• make and strengthen friendships
• experience a fascinating culture
• sample some delicious(hopefully) cuisine, including a sweet little cake called tres leches, which i had years ago and remember fondly..
• maybe feel an earthquake or two
• climb a volcano...or three
• spend a weekend on a volcanic island in the middle of the world's only fresh water lake that is inhabited by sharks...
• swim in the pacific ocean for the very first time
• lounge in a hammock
• get to practice my VERY limited spanish & likely get made fun of by the locals
• maybe see a monkey..which i am kind of excited about and freaked out about at the same time
• take a boat trip
• see some awesome trees and other natural beauty
• and mooooooooore. :)

some things that i could live without experiencing:

• seeing a tarantula
• seeing a python...from too close, anyway
• finding a critter in my sleeping station..whatever that may be
• having my eardrum(s) rupture, or getting a migraine because of these aggravating sinus issues i'm having
• heartburn.

heheh. 

so..there you have it. 

now. i'd better start packing...

1 Corinthians 16:14 "Do everything in love."

When my world is shaking...heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands. ♥

Cancer sucks.

As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord ’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord ? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me; your help has made me great. You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way. (Psalm 18:30-36 NIV)

people are fickle. one minute a kid is best friends with someone, and the next he is knocking their tower down and kicking the pieces all over the room. obviously, the victim of the tower demolition feels a certain amount of injustice, gets angry-or sad-and has some kind of emotional reaction. nine times out of ten, a third party comes onto the scene, either voluntarily or after being summoned by the demolition victim. this third party will almost always first quickly console the victim, and then berate the tower wrecker. after sufficiently chewing out the offender, the third party "hero" normally does one or more of these things; helps the victim to rebuild the tower, finds someone else to help the victim rebuild the tower, offers moral support to the victim and a bit more castigation to the demolish-er, or simply walks away. interestingly, a majority of the time, the tower wrecker will also have a desire to help rebuild. human nature causes us to think, "no way would i let someone who wrecked my tower help me to rebuild it!!" thankfully, kids aren't human. heheh. not fully human, anyway. more often than not, the tower wrecker is welcomed back into the good graces of the victim and construction commences. it never surprises me that the new tower is always far more awesome and elaborate than the old tower was.

this is what makes teachers smile:
when kids stick up for other kids.

this is what makes kids smile:
candy.

My Methodist neighbor is my brother.

God is so much bigger than we give Him credit for. His Church is so much more than we sometimes want to allow it to be. Bigger than labels. Bigger than traditions. Just big. And we need to stop trying to break it down and isolate ourselves from each other. Why is this hard for us?

This is what makes the congregation smile: when the visiting pastor nearly topples the music stand because he is "used to speaking from behind a solid, poundable surface..oops."

And also, when this is said:
"I need to get to the text before I become a homiletical nightmare up in here."

so, it turns out that 3 days of me is more than enough. Heheh.

that little exercise was supposed to be a means to begin to "see amy as the rest of us see her" rather than through my own self-filtered view. the idea of the photo of yourself a day challenge is, at least partially, to help people (ladies, specifically) to be able to see ourselves as others see us, and to be okay with whatever that is. i very much appreciate the sentiment, and i can see where she was coming from...it's important to have an accurate picture of how the world sees you. to become comfortable with that picture, and accept yourself for who you are.

the thing is...i am really about having less of me to worry about accepting. less of amy's issues, less of amy's wants, less of amy in general...and more of Jesus. as for the part about being comfortable with how others view me- i am actually trying to care less about that, too. i want to be seen by others the way i am seen by God...and that doesn't look anything like amy. because of His Grace, when he looks at this girl, He sees Jesus. He sees Jesus. and that is Who i want everyone else to see when they look at my life, too. because, as much as i want to be loved and cared for by others and to have true, meaningful friendships-what I want most is to reflect the love of Jesus, so that others might also turn toward Him and give Him glory and honor.

so, we now shift to something that makes me feel much more comfortable...23 days of anything BUT amy. :)

this is what made a kid on the bus smile this morning:
seeing a squirrel eating a nut on top of a fence. :)

"if you have then been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. for you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." colossians 3:1-3

happy fan. 

this is what makes me smile:

when my team wins the SUPERBOWL.

"he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

i will say of the Lord,'my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom i trust.'

for He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

you will not fear the terror of the night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

a thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand by your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

you will only look with your eyes 

and see the recompense of the wicked.

because you have made the Lord your dewlling place-

the Most High, who is my refuge-

no evil shall be allowed to befall you,

no plague come near your tent.

for He will command His angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways.

on their hands they will bear you up,

lest you strike your foot against a stone.

you will tread on the lion and the adder;

the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

'because he holds fast to Me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows My Name.

when he calls to Me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.

with long life I will satisfy him

and show him My salvation.' "

psalm 91 

roar.

i have many notebooks. none of them are full. 

this is what makes me smile:
learning.

"therefore, as God's choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. as the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other. and over all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. the peace of Christ must control your hearts-a peace into which you were called in one body. and be thankful people. the word of Christ must live in you richly. teach and warn each other with all wisdom by singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. sing to God with gratitude in your hearts. whatever you do, whether in speech or action, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus and give thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:12-17

introducing....28 days of me.
in celebration of the shortest month of the year.
and as a challenge to myself.

what is 28 days of me?
probably too much.  ba-dum-bum.

the real answer?
i have no idea.

well..i have a little idea. i was directed to a post about a photo a day of yourself challenge...self explanatory.
so here is February 1, 2013. unedited. hehehh. never realized i kinda have a bit of a lazy eye.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

this is what makes me smile:
dinner and laughing with friends i haven't seen in a while. good times. (and really good coconut shrimp!)

reminder:
things could be worse.

Anchor of my soul-You sustain
When I'm in the storm, 
You remain, You remain
Good to me, good to me...

When it's a quarter past midnight, and the gray skies fade to black,
the waves splash and set me off track...
So my vessel might crash or collapse when I'm attacked
and start wrestlin' in my head with these bad memories 
from my past.
I'm aware of my guilt, overwhelmed,
and the smell of my blood has the sharks that surround me cast under a spell.
They waited for me to fall, but when I fell the water got still, 
and the blood that was spilled protects me-
it's the same blood that cleansed me.
My only defense against my nemesis, now I can rest knowing that
nothing can come against me unless the Father gives consent.
Evil intentions will not disturb God's purposes or interfere,
so who shall I fear if my anchor is secure?
Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations-
praising God instead of complaining and getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seein' the ways that 
God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith,
And it reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land, 
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me strength to stand.
You're my greatest Pleasure, yeah, no matter what the weather I face, Lord.
You never forsake my fragile life- 
I'm safe under Your sovereign Grace.


Anchor of my soul-You sustain
When I'm in the storm, 
You remain, You remain
Good to me, good to me...


At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony, 
and through tragedy, asks himself,
how can this happen to me?
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life,
but slipping 'cause your grip is not as tight as you might like.
You ain't immune to it, naw, and if you're true to yourself then you ain't new to it,
trusted and self-lusted and lured to it.
So when the darkness overwhelms me, and a tide of lies rises and swells,
it is well what compels me.
When faced with adversity, Your Truth constantly reminds me that 
You command the seas with ease, and with words you turn a wind to breeze.
Helps me understand that we stand on a solid Rock, 
not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain You perfect Your plan.
Pre-destined, we test it when the works and words of God cooperate
and educate men in a great gift of grace and faith-
That even though it's obvious when my outlook's ominous,
You bound my heart and my conscience, and give me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains it's strain,
I can put my trust in the Hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me, 
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His Grace abounding.


Anchor of my soul-You sustain
When I'm in the storm, 
You remain, You remain
Good to me, good to me...

Oh Lord
Good to me, good to me
Good to me.

Anchor 
by Beautiful Eulogy, featuring Josh Garrels

Soul food.

"LORD, hear my prayer. Listen to my call for help and answer my prayer. Show me how good and loyal You are. Do not judge me, Your servant...No one alive could be judged innocent by Your holy standards. The enemy has hunted me down, and crushed me into the dirt; stomped me to within an inch of my life. I have been put into a dark hole, buried like those long dead. I am ready to give up, I am losing courage, my spirit is draining away, my heart is heavy, like lead. But I remember what happened long ago. I am thinking about all You have done, pondering the ways You've worked. I stretch out my hands to You, waiting for Your help, thirsting for You like a desert thirsts for rain.
Hurry and answer me, LORD! I have lost my courage, I am nearly at the end of my rope. Don't turn away from me; don't ignore me...that would be like certain death. Show me Your faithful love in the morning. I trust in You. Show me what I should do. I put my life in Your hands! LORD, I come to you for protection. Save me from my enemies, You're my only Hope! Show me what You want me to do, teach me how to live to please You; You are my God. Let your Spirit lead me over level ground. LORD, let me live so that people will praise Your Name. Show me how good You are, and save me from my trouble. In Your love, vanquish my enemies; make a clean sweep of those who harass me, because I am Your servant. "

"But You, LORD, protect me. You bring me honor; You give me hope. I will pray to the LORD and He will answer me from His holy mountain. I can lie down and rest and know that I will wake up, because the LORD covers and protects me. So I will not be afraid of my enemies...even if thousands of them surround me. LORD get up! My God, come and rescue me! If you hit my enemies on the cheek, you will break all their teeth. LORD, the victory is Yours! You are so good to your people."

"LORD, listen to me and understand what I am trying to say. My God and my King, listen to  my prayer. Every morning, LORD, I lay my gifts before You and look to You for help. And every morning You hear my prayers.
God, you don't want wicked people near You. They cannot stay in Your presence. Fools cannot come near you. You hate those who do evil. You destroy those who tell lies. LORD, You hate those who make secret plans to hurt others.
But by Your great mercy, I can enter Your house as an invited guest. I can worship in Your temple with fear and respect for You. LORD, show me Your right way of living, and make it easy for me to follow. People are looking for my weaknesses, so show me how You want me to live. My enemies will not tell the truth. The only want to destroy people. Their words come from mouths that are like open graves. They use their lying tongues to deceive others. Let their so-called wisdom wreck them. Let them be caught in their own traps. They have turned against You, so punish them for their many crimes.
But let those who trust in You be happy forever. Protect and strengthen those who love Your name. LORD, when You bless good people, You surround them with Your love, like a large shield that protects them."
..from Pslam 143, 3 & 5

"No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that rises against you shall be proved wrong. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD" Isaiah 54:17