12 years ago, i was in the hospital, having been in labor for 4 hours...i'm glad i didn't know then that i still had almost 20 more hours until i'd get to meet my sweet baby girl. ♥

right now, there is a room full of giggly, squealing, LOUD 12-year-olds upstairs who sound like they are going to come through the ceiling at any minute. Lord help me. heheh.
i am so thankful He chose me to be her mama...even though i didn't deserve it, and even though i suck at it sometimes. i am so thankful for the people who supported me, and who never questioned my decisions, and who had my back when others were not so supportive or loving. praise God for friends!
i never doubted that she was a gift from Him, and no accident. a living example of His mercy and grace. and that is why her name is Hannah.

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

this is what makes me smile:
wondering if she'll make a mess this big with her cupcake this year?

sometimes i feel like something in my brain short circuits, and things get all muddled and wonky. sometimes it makes me feel lost, confused, overwhelmed, unsure...i forget where i was, and what i was doing-the path i was on before the short circuit. i get frustrated, i feel like i am spinning in a circle and everywhere i look i see something i might have been working toward..or...not? i feel like i need to wake up from a dream, but am fully aware that i am awake. life in a fog, or under the bell jar is not one i prefer. i am hoping for clearheaded-ness to return. with a quickness.

"Hear my prayer, O Jehovah; give ear to my supplications: In thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. And enter not into judgement with thy servant; for in thy sight no man living is righteous. For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground: he hat made me to dwell in dark places, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy doings; I muse on the work of thy hands. I spread forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a weary land. Selah. 
Make haste to answer me, O Jehovah; my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I become like them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Deliver me, O Jehovah, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy Spirit is good; lead me in the land of uprightness. Quicken me, O Jehovah, for thy name's sake: in thy righteousness bring my soul out of trouble. And in thy lovingkindness cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul; for I am thy servant."
Psalm 143


this is what makes me smile:
forehead curls. ♥

today i was blessed to watch my daughter play with both of my nieces together,
i had numerous hilarious, as well as heartfelt conversations with various family members,
my daughter showed that she really loves giving more than receiving,
i made some bangin' queso blanco,
and i found out that hairless guinea pigs exist.
the best part, my favorite part of Christmas Eve each year, was going to our Christmas Eve service.
this year, we didn't have candle light, but for the first time in a very long time i got to sit in a pew with both of my sisters at the same time. i didn't think about it before hand, but while we were all sitting there singing carols, the realization that that hadn't happened in nearly a decade really hit me. i am so thankful to have been able to share this most special evening with them. ♥

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus Christ

2 In those days la decree went out from mCaesar Augustus that all the world should be nregistered. 2 This was the first nregistration when1 Quirinius owas governor of Syria. 3 And all went to be registered, each to his own town. 4 And Joseph also went up pfrom Galilee, from the town of qNazareth, to Judea, to rthe city of David, which is called sBethlehem, tbecause he was of the house and lineage of David, 5 to be registered with Mary, his betrothed,2 who was with child. 6 And twhile they were there, the time came for her to give birth. 7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and uwrapped him in swaddling cloths and vlaid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in wthe inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lordxappeared to them, and ythe glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all zthe people. 11 For aunto you is born this day in bthe city of David ca Savior, who is dChrist ethe Lord. 12 And fthis will be a sign for you: you will find a baby gwrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel ha multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

14 i“Glory to God jin the highest,

jand on earth kpeace lamong those with whom he is pleased!”3

15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the babymlying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But nMary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, oglorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

this is what makes me smile:

love.

today was a great day.
i made roughly 90 pancakes.
and talked about football way too much.
also, i collected my free coffee from starbucks. that was awesome.
my favorite part of today was having a dinner date with my daddy. :)
AND our weather forecast has changed from 0% chance of a white christmas to 50% chance. ooooh that would be so cool. but even if not, we are supposed to have thunderstorms tomorrow, so that will be pretty cool.
ok, random post over. :)

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

and this is what makes me smile:
hanukkah humor...

sometimes i avoid my blog because i am feeling superbly negative, and i know that anything that comes out of me will also be superbly negative. especially here, where i often spew forth without filtering myself. sooo that's where i've been. plus, i've been kinda busy with holiday goings & doings. and also, even with all the extra "activity" i still couldn't think of anything interesting enough to bother to write.

even now, i am struggling. heheh.

i think i shall write you all...

a holiday haiku.
by me.

harried people rush
gathering a lot of junk
the real gift is Love

merry christmas. :)

i'm trying to remember to "Do everything without grumbling or complaining." Philippians2:14

what i'm listening to:

this is what makes me smile:
reindogs.

"some people are placed into your life as blessings. others are placed there as lessons."
so true.
and sometimes it's difficult to tell one from the other..until it becomes glaringly obvious.
i hope that i enter more people's lives as a blessing, than i do as a lesson.

today, i made some fantastic cookies. they were oatmeal craisin and white chocolate chip...i don't even really like white chocolate. way to go, quaker oats guy. you share a delicious recipe on your canister lid. :)

i am including this because my day has been packed full of conversations concerning facial hair. and this is funny. pretty accurate, but i don't agree with the unkempt beard being threatening. as a friend of mine said, "i've never been threatened by an unkempt." :) i saw a shirt that was similar to this once..the beard measurements went down the shirt..the longest stage was called "wizardly" if i remember right. aaaanyway.

verse i'm loving today:
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:1-5

this is what makes me smile:
two of my favorite treats in one container.

so, normally on a monday evening at 8pm i'd be about two hours shy of the end of classes for the day. this evening has seemed to stretch on f-o-r-e-v-e-r. that is good...just really weird. i keep looking at the clock,  thinking it's hours later than it actually is. and i can't tell you how awesome it is not to have some homework assignment looming over me.
but...i miss my classmates! when  you are learning massage, you learn all the ins & outs, functions and abilities of the entire body. and you get to know your classmates very, very well. there were many challenges we all had to face, and overcome throughout this year and some odd months. it was really great to have Dh, Z, K, S, and Db there (as well as Willi), to encourage me, and help me through things that were difficult for me. i am so, so grateful to have met them, and since i am sitting here thinking about how strange it is to not be spending the evening with them, i think i will tell you all about our strange little crew.

to begin with, the class started with around 10 students...some things happened (a lot of which i am still not all that clear about) within the school and classes were postponed a month, with the option for each student to stay enrolled, or to dis-enroll with no penalties and a full refund. when classes resumed, there were 3 students remaining. Dh, Z, and Db. within the next few weeks, K and i would contact the school and be offered spots in the program. a month later S followed.

Dh is one of the sweetest, most caring, encouraging, God-trusting, REAL women i have ever met in the entirety of my existence. she is in her late 40s, a devoted mom of 5, and loving grandmother to 8...with one on the way. Dh is very mild mannered, and was a nurse until a few years ago, when she quit her job to stay home and care for her grandchildren so her kids could work. Dh shares her home with her husband, and FOURTEEN of their family members. she enrolled in PMI because she felt God calling her to use massage as a ministry tool....somehow. she (much like myself) is still not sure how this will come about, or to what capacity she will be using her education. but that's okay. :) did i mention she is sweet? and nurturing? and freaking awesome? she is. ♥

Z is fresh out of high school. at first glance, i was honestly a teeny bit scared of her. hahahahaa. this is ridiculous to me now, but serves as an example of how easily we tend to judge people before getting to know them. Z is kind of rough around the edges, but she's got a very tender heart. she loves to do things for people, but has built up walls to protect herself. she hasn't had the easiest time of it. there are lots of people who treat her badly, and that makes me angry. she can be crass, rude, and disrespectful at times, but only as a defense mechanism. i've gone from wanting to hide from her to wanting to protect her. she is brave, and also afraid..and always willing to give something a try, and always willing to listen to advice that is given with a healthy dose of love. Z has become like the additional little sister i didn't know i wanted. heheh.

Db is a free spirit. she is crazy and predictably unpredictable. she was a student in the program 5 years ago and suddenly dropped out on a whim, in order to travel across the country, living like a gypsy. in fact, she IS a gypsy. Db has some of the most interesting family heritage i've come across in a while. she's got a grandmother on each side of her family who was 1/2 jewish. one was jewish & romani gypsy, and the other is jewish & catholic. she's kind of got mixed up ideas about theology and has practiced almost every religion you can possibly imagine...most recently one that she made up herself. she is searching, seeking, and trying to heal on her own after being hurt or let down by so many. i'm working on showing her that not all who follow Christ are hypocritical, religious, and hateful. it's been a bit of a road, she's been belittled and berated by "christians" and, having been raised in a christian home herself, really knows how to argue. non-believers who know the Bible are the most challenging sort. despite the differences in our faiths, Db has become a very good friend. she's fun..our personalities are really similar, as are our general moral beliefs and opinions on lots of different topics. i think of all my classmates, Db and i are most kindred.

K is a late twenties prim & proper dental office receptionist. of all my classmates, i probably know the least about K, which is strange to me because she was with me from day one. she was just as nervous and unsure as i was, but, like me, was ready for a change in her life. K is really private, and can come off as cold and sarcastic...but i appreciate a dry sense of humor, and once K warms up to you she is a fierce ally. about half way through our second semester, K announced that she was also about halfway through her first TRImester... yay for babies! ♥

S was the last to join our little class. she is tough. as soon as i saw her i thought, "that girl plays softball. and probably volleyball." i was right...on both counts. :) what i didn't know was that she was also a preschool teacher, like me. she became interested in massage because about 10 years ago, she was taught by-hospice nurses-how to relieve the edema in her mother's arms  following the removal of her lymph nodes, because of cancer. S lost her mom when she was still in high school, which gave her both a strength and a gentleness that i admire. S is probably the most determined of our group. she may have started the latest, but she finished just as strong as any of us, and i am proud to call her a friend as well as a colleague in both of my professions. :)

and then there's me. a burnt out single mama, grasping at straws. trying to hang on, trying to be a light, and fumbling down a road that seems bumpy and twisty most of the time..never quite sure of myself, but always sure of one thing- God has a plan for me...a plan for good, and not evil. my steps are ordered by Him, and so long as i trust Him, and follow Him He will lead me and will never, ever let me down.....even when the way i am going feels crazy. :)

"The Lord will guide you continually..." Isaiah 58:11

this is what makes me smile:
one of my favorite versions of one of my favorite songs...

i
have
graduated.

:)

"This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you for your good and leads you along the paths you should follow.'" Isaiah 48:17

this is what makes me smile:
being finished.

what a great day. :)

it snowed, just enough to look pretty.

i didn't get behind a tractor going 18 mph...but i DID get behind a garbage truck...which pulled over to let me pass! that never happens!!

my tea was perfectly perked.

i got to color for half an hour. at work.

i made up a casserole for lunch AND the kids liked it.

i got to hear W say, "miss amy, that was berishus."

i found a radical half green/half purple grape.

the dishwasher was very cooperative.

i found out i am not the only adult who dances like a 2 year old.

the door was NOT opened suddenly while i was using the bathroom at work.

one of the toddlers called me "amy"...which is a big deal because she only says about 8 other words...hotdog is one of them, lol. (one of the other kids in that class calls me "yunch"...because i bring his lunch. heheh)

i had some delicious hummus.

hannah did her homework without arguing.

i had a Divine appointment.

...where i saw an old friend.

i got to help 3 over-stressed moms of young kiddos to DE-stress.

i successfully removed a cake from a bundt pan.

i found my missing shoe.

and now matisyahu is on leno. 

see? told you it was a good one. :)

this just illustrates the fact that my crappy days (like yesterday, instead of murphy's law it was totally mine.) are so dependent on my own attitude. i was NOT having another yesterday today. so i didn't. and now i feel silly for having one yesterday. i even started off laughing at the ridiculousness of it all...but little by little i allowed that little grain of irritation to grow into a big ole pearl of sour grumpusness. thankfully, i am back to laughing at the ridiculousness of the vast amounts of things that went whack yesterday. i would include a list, just because i DO think it's funny, but i am going to refrain, just in case it may serve as a fertilizer for a crappy pants attitude in the future. i also purposefully did not post the long list of those things yesterday either, for the same reason. i am working on it, people. slow but steady wins the race, right? heheh

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

this is what makes me smile:

snow. duh.

i am having strange kind of flashback-y feelings to the end of my senior year in high school. it's a weird mix of emotions for me right now.
i graduate from PMI on friday. it's kind of hard for me to believe that i've already come to the end of my schooling, yet on the other hand it seems like it's been a long time coming. and by "it" i mean my actually following through with a nudge (in this case it was more of a kick, heheh).
i remember (vividly) my first "try out" class last november. i was sooo nervous. terrified, really, and not sure how things were going to work out, especially financially. i am still working on that part. trusting...it will come. when it's time. but no more classes after tomorrow night. i am really going to miss seeing the girls every monday & tuesday, and i'm so thankful to have met each one of them. i have never met a more motley crew that got along so well together. ♥ that would be a good blog post sometime.
so, i am "technically" graduating, but i still have a few loose ends to tie up before it's all officially official. i'm not sure why i'm not freaking out about not being completely done & REALLY graduating on friday, but i am attributing that unexpected peace and acceptance to God. it will all pull together when it is His time for it to happen- i am sure of that one thing, if nothing else. who knows? maybe by not being able to really move forward right now, i am being saved from jumping into something i shouldn't... perhaps, by having to wait a little longer, i will end up somewhere better.
 :)


this is what makes me smile:
my grandma's bathroom wallpaper.

when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, "it is well, it is well with my soul." ...though satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul. ... my sin-oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!-my sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! ... And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, even so, it is well with my soul. 
-Horatio G. Spafford.


do you ever just take a minute and let an old hymn really sink into your spirit? the songs i grew up singing back in the day, before the awesome trend of jumbo screens with lyrics, must have drilled deep down into my heart. when i hear or sing them now, they seem so much more meaningful to me than they did when i was young. my worship leader has taken to including one or two of the "old classics" in our otherwise very contemporary worship time. i am totally loving it. i've always thought that hymns get a bad wrap. maybe the style of the music they are sung to could use some tweaking, but the heart of the worshipper is still in the words. these songs are especially comforting and special to me in times when i have a lot going on..i find myself humming "jesus paid it all" or "blessed assurance" while washing the dishes, chopping up various items for the kids' lunches,  finishing up some last minute work for school... or while i am just attempting to peace out somewhere, trying to calm my mind & flush out some of those irritating worries that like to try to creep their way in. 
soo...yay for hymns! :)

this is what makes me smile:
celebrating Jesus.

mercy is amazing.
grace, absurd.

♥

"For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

i. love. thanksgiving.
it has always been my favorite holiday, i think that's because it is a day we gather our family & loved ones together, spend time loving one another and catching up, and there is not the chaos and greed that can unfortunately be associated with christmas. don't get me wrong-i LOVE christmas! i love everything about it, yep, even the santa part. i just think i love thanksgiving a little bit differently because the focus doesn't get lost like it can with christmas and other holidays. it seems like a more genuine holiday.
plus, pie is awesome.
heheh.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever!"
1 Chronicles 16:34, Psalm 106:1, Psalm 107:1, Psalm 118:1 & 29, Psalm 136:1...

this is what makes me smile:
coloring with lily. ♥

what a crazy day.

have you ever had to prepare an entire thanksgiving feast (minus the turkey...so i guess entire is inaccurate, but i'm going to leave it there because it sounds more dramatic that way.hahh) for 77 people in one hour and 43 minutes??? i don't really recommend it.
the food turned out to be pretty tasty, the hands down favorite was the "uh oh, you didn't plan a vegetable? time to go 'shopping' in the leftovers bin" casserole. it was sort of like the traditional green bean casserole, but with some surprises. heheh.

class felt like it lasted forever tonight...it was good, though. i can't believe we only have 4 more classes until graduation. i'm kinda sad about that. i like to learn, and i will really miss the friends i've made, and the support i've found at PMI. it will be nice to have my monday and tuesday evenings free again, and it will also be nice to have some time to read a book..it's been too long since i've read for pleasure, and not just to learn the location and function of muscles or bones, or the affects of massage on different diseases and what not. don't get me wrong, that stuff is all amazingly cool..but i will be really happy to read a book that i don't have to use my brain so much for. :)

when i was in high school, i had the awesomest sunday school teachers...they must have really loved our group, too, because they moved with us from 9th or 10th grade the whole way up...even to college age (and presumably beyond, but i don't know because i moved south at the ripe old age of 22). i remember each time it was time for us to "graduate" to the next class, there would be this unspoken sadness, like a family having to leave its parents..and then we would find out that E & L were moving with us, and all was right again. i really thank God for them, not only did they help to build my faith, they really challenged our beliefs...encouraged us to question what we'd been taught and to find it to be true for ourselves, rather than just because that's what sister so & so told us when we were eight. they asked hard questions, answered difficult ones...and admitted when they didn't know things. they were teachers, mentors, and friends of the heart.  they encouraged us, reprimanded us, and guided us, all with the most genuine love. i miss them. lots.

that little tangent was inspired by my verse of the day-it made me think of them because one of my favorite translations of this verse is in The Message...or as we called it in sunday school, "the hippie bible" we had a whole stack of them, and adding to their "groovy-ness" was the fact that our pile was totally from the 70s, man. :)

without further ado:
"Just as water mirrors your face,
your face mirrors your heart."
Proverbs 27:19

this is what makes me smile:
remembering "the good ole days"
(the most awesome s.s. teachers ever are bottom right, kind of a not so great photo of them, but the only one i have on the computer. gotta get that scanner hooked up one of these days...)

last week was not a really great one for me. by that i mean that i did not react to situations in the way that i wish i would have. i feel like i failed a test...and now i'll probably have to re-take it. heheh


i am routinely amazed at God's timing...His perfect timing...and yet-i still struggle to truly trust Him. why?? He always, always comes through..not in amy-time but in God-time, and it is always good. and i always end up feeling foolish for worrying instead of just being faithful and waiting on Him. if i've said it once, i've said it six hundred million times-patience is not my strongest attribute. siiigh. i shared with a friend this week that i've always been afraid to ask God to grant me patience because when i was very young, my (hopefully well-meaning) Granny told me to never ask God for patience, because then He would heap trial after trial upon me until i was patient enough to endure anything. :/ soo..i've finally started asking for patience. haha. it certainly can't hurt. 


speaking of trials being heaped up on you...i've got a few recurring difficulties which cause me particular weakness of spirit. God really knows what He is doing. when He wants to test a person's faith, He goes straight for the gut. He so totally knows what our biggest fears and snares are. of course He would use those things to bring us down to a place where we feel we can no longer fight or do anything for ourselves. He's a smart dude. why waste trials on issues that are easy to be faithful in? 


so i had some temper tantrums and behaved like a spoiled little turd for a few days. all the while feeling like a failure as a believer and a human, and also feeling like i just wasn't getting something right..i MUST be doing something wrong to constantly have to go through these struggles...right? 


thankfully, the Lord has placed some really awesome, encouraging, tough-loving folks in my life who told me what i needed to hear, rather than only what i wanted to hear. God's truth is not always easy to take, but how awesome is it that He loves us enough to give it to us anyway? 


now skip to today, when my pastor spoke about....trusting God and finding joy EVEN THROUGH TRIALS AND STRUGGLES. hahaa. of course he did.  the cool part was that, instead of feeling chastised through the whole service, i felt lovingly reassured and redirected. 


trials are meant to test our faith. God doesn't allow them unless there is something we need to learn from them. He won't abandon us..He wants to bring us low-so low we can do no more ourselves and we (finally!) cry out to Him because we realize that we really are nothing without Him. some of us are blessed to realize this fact sooner than others. ;) and some of us are stubborn, or feeling unworthy of His rescue. trials build our faith by bringing us closer to the Lord, pointing us toward Him & His blessings, humbling us, enabling us to encourage others. what a freeing thought to realize that we don't have to do anything except to let Him love us. how amazing is that? how blessed are we to serve a God whose greatest desire is to love us, and be loved by us??? nothing else matters when you realize this. 


i am thankful that the Creator of the Universe and Most Holy King loves me enough to test my faith and refine me by trial in order to mold me into a remarkable masterpiece, fit to be the bride of the Prince of Peace, His Son. wow. i am the luckiest girl in the world. ♥ 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the death, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief through all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:3-9


this is what makes me smile:
my oldest favorite song.

growing is not always a very fun process.

i am so thankful for the friendships God has blessed me with. even when everything seems to pile on top of me at once, i know, in addition to having Him to lean on, they will also be there to show me His love. and to make me giggle.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." C.S.Lewis

"Praise Him, sun and moon: praise Him, all you stars of light." Psalm 148:3

this is what makes me smile:
God's creativity.

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you
the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4

this verse has literally confounded me for about a decade. seriously. and today, i was blessed to see what it means. duh. the blinders were lifted, and i feel  kinda silly that i didn't "get it" before. but i am so thankful that i do now. i just keep chuckling, and thinking, "really, amy? really?" so simple. yet so hard to do. all these years i've been trying soo hard to understand what it means, really means, to delight myself in the Lord, beyond the obvious finding joy in none other but the Lord. understanding that all joy comes from Him. allowing myself to find all my joy in Him. WHY have i been looking beyond that? did i really think it couldn't be that simple??

in order to find joy in life, we must first find joy in the Lord. yeah. i know. DUH.

to find joy, to be joyful...to DELIGHT in the Lord...

you must recognize yourself as a sinner. check. i don't know if there is anyone alive who recognizes themselves as a sinner as much as i do (see...there it is again, boastfulness & pride. high-mindedness. i sin. all. the. time.)..

you must confess your sins. to God and to those you have wronged. this one i am not as good at. i tend to confess sin in general terms, and i'm not good at asking forgiveness if i've sinned against someone say, a long while ago & i figure that maybe they didn't even realize it, or that they've already forgiven me without me even asking..or that maybe by asking forgiveness i will bring it to light and cause them greater distress than if i just let it go. i am working on this. as well as being more specific.

you must trust that God is going to and has extended His Grace to you, through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus, and His amazing Love....and accept His forgiveness as whole and permanent. this is hard for me, too...because i know i don't deserve it.

but that is where the amazing thankfulness & gratefulness comes from. if you know that God extends His mercy and grace to you... even though you don't deserve it, because He LOVES YOU SO MUCH....what else really matters? 

and this brings joy. joy unspeakable. and full of glory.

and this. finding your joy in the Lord. not your job, not your family, not money, not in the glorious beauty around you, not in relationships, not in possessions, not in ANYTHING other than HIM...this is delighting yourself in the Lord. you may find joy in all those other things...but first, find a high degree of gratification, extreme satisfaction,  excessive happiness and felicity in Him..and then, when you recognize that nothing, no one will ever afford you joy in the way that He can, and will...then He will give you the desires of your heart. ♥

duh.
for real.

isn't it awesome, and also slightly annoying to AHAAAAAA, figure something out that you've known all along??

thank you, veterans. i may not always agree with the fight, but i will always support the warriors.

"Be strong, and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

this is what makes me smile:
my heroes...my two favorite grandfathers.

John "Jack" Evans 
US Navy, Photographer
Served in the South Pacific during the Korean War

Albert "Ike" Eichelberger

US Army Air Corps, Aircraft Mechanic

Served in the Pacific during World War II

interesting.

my hours got cut today. within the span of a 3 minute conversation, my income was shrunken...by a pretty sizable portion.

i guess now i know why verses like matthew  7:11, that portion in matthew 6, luke 12:7-24ish, etc., etc. have been "popping up" everywhere the past couple of weeks.

preparation is good. reminders are also good. i'm thankful. and hopeful. and almost sort of excited to see what will happen now. oh, the possibilities.

this is what makes me smile:
the moon.

i have nothingtowriteitis.

yet again, matt 6 has been tossed at me. i'm starting to think God is trying to tell me something...heheh

"Who is like You, O Lord God Almighty? You are mighty, Jehovah, and your faithfulness surrounds you." Psalm 89:8

this is what makes me smile:
this guy ♥

"I will sing of the mercies of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations."
Psalm 89:1

this is what makes me smile:
feeling small.

sometimes you have to scrape the bottom of the barrel before you get to the good stuff.
hitting the bottom....it's not really fun. especially when you are trying to claw your way back out on  your own. you admit to yourself, and even to God and maybe a close friend or two, that you are having hard times. still, it seems like nothing improves. you just need a boost to reach the rim so you can pull yourself up again. you can SEE the light...and that's almost worse than not being able to see it...
it's remarkable how things can start to look up when you come down off that shaky "i can do it myself" scaffolding and just ask for some help. admitting that you need it isn't easy, but maybe that's the point. following through. being obedient. shutting out your own stubbornness (which you sometimes get mixed up with "not wanting to be a bother") and pride...
admitting that you can't do it alone might just open the doors you've been searching for the keys to. maybe when you obey, you will find an awesome ramp builder who will teach you and help you to find the tools you need to get back to the top of the barrel....or maybe they will just throw you a rope.

♥
"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity a man who has no friend to help him!" Ecclesiastes 4:10

this is what makes me smile:
this ridiculous sunrise.

i am struggling with a craptastic attitude problem today. mffpht. and i'm going to take full responsibility for my crankiness. the fact that i am constantly being barraged with pettiness, ridiculous complaining...and overall grumpiness, rudeness, etc., etc., etc. is NOT a good excuse. also, i am now complaining about complaining. the irony is not lost on me.

ERASE. REWIND. trying it again tomorrow, and hopefully i will be able to not get caught in the trap of negativity, but will be able to let the crap roll off of me like rain on a windshield which has been treated with rain-x ....pass me the complain-x.

pretty straightforward:
"Do everything without complaining or arguing." Philippians 2:14..

this is what makes me smile:
workin' on it.

today, the first thing i heard when i got to work, "oh, hey miss amy. you look like a tootsie roll today."

hahaa.

Word:
"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." Proverbs 27:9

this is what makes me smile:.
cute nieces.

Leeland: The Live Sessions - "I Wonder"

i, in my ridiculous human pride, have been attempting to take care of myself and my daughter. as i was pondering a possible future opportunity i was kind of yelled at.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?!" Matt 7:11
(this one was thrown at me twice today. :) )

"I will continue to carry you even when you are old. I will take good care of you even when your hair is gray. I have made you. And I will carry you. I will take care of you. And I will save you. I am the Lord." Isaiah 46:4

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life--whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they do not sow or reap or gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of much more valuable to him than they are?
Who of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
And why do you worry about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil, nor do they spin: yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed as beautifully as one of them.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into an oven, will he not much more clothe you? O you of little faith!
So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. But let your first concern be for his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be given to you." Matt 6:25-33

This is what makes me smile:
hearing.

"Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him." Proverbs 30:5

this is what makes me smile:

the unexpected.

patience is not a virtue i often posses. :/ i'm working on it. lessons, lessons, lessons.


"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass..." Psalm 37:4&5
"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7

this is what makes me smile:
camp fires.

it's so frustrating to know how you should act, or feel..but not to act or feel the way you know you should. i am constantly rebuking myself lately, oftentimes in the midst of some negative thought or exclamation. i have so much  growing to do, sometimes i get almost disgusted with myself for the way that i act-or feel like acting/reacting to situations. lots of lessons being learned right now....one thing i'd really like to just learn & be done with lessons on is beating myself over the head with my shortcomings. heh. i really have a hard time tossing those things away and moving on at times. 

i think this is one reason i love working with kids so much-they are so forgiving. (even if they don't go for the "forgetting" part...which almost makes the forgiving that much more amazing.) they give second chances freely...and third, fourth, and fifth chances. :)  one of the older girls who i have in the mornings and has been with me for years, has an on going list that she keeps in a notebook that she always has with her. it is her "FRENDS and ENEMYS" list. :) i am normally in the "FRENDS" column, but occassionally, if i have need to correct or redirect her, i end up on the "ENEMYS" side for a few days. i always eventually make it back to being a "FREND" in a day or so...depending on the severity of her irritation toward me. it's kind of funny, because she has a spot where she only writes my name in each column..in pencil, of course. haha

(today i was put on the "ENEMYS" list...oops.)

the greatest commandments:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30 &31

this is what makes me smile:

♥ 5 year olds.

i had a really insightful dream last night.
wavy fade out/in
i am standing in front of myself. i see me, the way i always see me (like in a mirror, but 3D, i can walk around myself)..i can see my physical self and my spiritual or emotional self. i think, "yep. this is me." i don't really like what i see. as i watch, chunks of me start to crumble and fall away. (from both parts of me) and i am eventually looking at a person who is somewhat similar to me, but no one i would recognize if i just happened upon her. she seems pretty chill, i think i might like to hang out with her and start to introduce myself when someone calls my name, and the other girl turns and answers. this is how others see me. totally weird feelings wash over me. i am enlightened, yet confused. this is me? as i ponder, parts of this "me" begin to crack and flake away. i can't remember what this third "me" looked like physically, and i don't remember much about the inner character, either. i only know that when i looked at this person, all i felt was love. such. deep. love. i wanted to hug her. i cried. this is how God sees me. mind-blowing in my dream...feelings of thankfulness, gratefulness, unworthiness...
then i woke up thinking i had overslept (this is becoming a shamefully common occurrence lately), but saw that it was just after 4 and so i slid back to sleep with a smile on my face, and thinking, "woah...that was deep."

after spending the day pondering this dream, all i could really come up with is that i am feeling very blessed to have had it. i fully realize that the symbolism is obvious..so obvious that i think my brain feels like i don't really need to think about it deeply at all at this moment. i am just fixated on that amazing love. i  know that the Lord loves me..because He tells me so over, and over, and over again. through His Word, yes, but also through His Spirit and the mundane, ordinary, every day blessed happenings all around me. and through the sunrise. i am cheesy enough to admit that this morning, i got teary because of it. yes, it was mind-numbingly beautiful, but i also had the overwhelming feeling that it was there so that i could see it. God made it beautiful to show me His great love for me. i feel like that sounds cocky or something, but it's how He feels about all of us, and i am really being hit hard with that fact lately-how much God loves us. me. you. the rude guy who cut me off on the way home from work. the homeless guy who sells paintings on the side of the road in shrewsbury, my grandma, your grandma, the president, jerry springer, the little kid down the road, the old man in jamaica who sells fresh mangoes on a stick....all of the people on this planet. even the ones who hate Him.
 i am struck with thoughts of His exceeding love for people at some of the most random times. one that comes to mind was the other night; i was having trouble settling down after class & was flipping through channels. somehow i landed on fox news. haha. and not only that, but it was "Geraldo At Large." HA! anyway, i stopped there because geraldo was live at the "occupy wall street" camp, and i am not sure what that occupy stuff is really all about, so i kinda wanted to see if i could glean any good info (that was a big, fat NOPE.) geraldo was walking around asking random protesters questions, and there was this guy who just kept answering, "this is preposterous!! this is preposterous!!" with a big, drugged out, incredulous smile on his face and his dirty, fingerless-gloved hands on his cheeks. i swear i felt  God say, "i love him so much."

 which brings me to my latest conundrum. i am really needing to be doing more. i feel stifled, and time-waste-y.  i KNOW God sent me to PMI and i KNOW He has a plan for this, and i am USUALLY really chill with waiting on finding out what that plan is until He is ready to reveal the next step to me..but recently i am losing my chill-ness with the waiting.
 i need to get back to that place of peace. i just keep telling myself-wait upon the Lord, amy. trust Him...He won't let you down, or lead you astray. He also won't just leave you hanging here wondering forever what He's got planned.
 i am trying to get back to that place of patient waiting...my problem here is i just want to KNOW what i am getting into. how am i going to use this skill/knowledge to glorify God? i don't think this was just an opportunity to get into a field where i will be able to make more money, and will be able to (finally) support hannah and myself. that is an excellent bonus, if things roll that way, but i don't think that's the reason He has me doing this...at least not the main reason. harumph.

i annoy myself when i start to get impatient. i think it was just last thursday that i was talking to a friend who asked me what i'll be doing when i graduated. my answer was, "i'm not really sure yet." and he said, "well, don't you think you'd better figure it out?" "i am waiting," i said. he didn't get it.
and now that i think about it, maybe that whole conversation is part of what has me so discontent with the delay in "next step info"...perhaps parts of that wiggled into my spirit and have been taking root and growing into this massive ball of "AAAAK I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I NEED TO KNOW NOW!!!" hmmm... food for thought, there.

words which i thought reminded me of my dream:
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

this is what makes me smile:
this.

the cell phone quality photo definitely doesn't do it justice, but i kind of like that...i remember how amazing it was in person.