then i actually started the job and my peace took a vacation-in it's place, doubt took up residence. i've been feeling inadequate, incompetent, and incapable. i've been cranky and whiny, and i've had a roaring headache every single evening. i've had horrible days even when i am determined to be positive and let the Spirit shine through. i've felt deflated and defeated, and i guess i just had to come to that point. i let it out. i put it on the line. i made up my mind that if something didn't change remarkably for the positive yesterday, i was putting in my notice.
i talked to God the whole way to work-i normally do this, but yesterday morning it was a bit of a different kind of talk. i am not always one to take an authoritative determined tone with my Creator. i mean, He has my whole life in His Hands...who am i to tell Him how things really need to be, or else? hahah. i am really glad He's got a sense of humor, and that He loves me. in a way, i almost feel like He wanted me to get to the point where i was going to be decisive and resolute. and boy was i.
i told Him i couldn't do it anymore. i wouldn't do it anymore. i didn't have it in me, and if that drastic, positive change didn't happen-and happen before i left at 3:30-that was it.
i asked (i won't say demanded because that doesn't sound as "nice" as asked, but you may draw your own conclusions as to why i put this here in parenthesis;) )Him for clear guidance and also for a miracle.
i get to work around 8:30. At around 9:15, He sent me an angel named Mrs. Shelia. Mrs. Shelia happened upon an old posting for a position at the center. she thought she'd come in to see if there was anything available...she has worked for decades with special needs children, children with behavioral difficulties, and pretty much every other kind of child you can think of. in the hour she spent with us, she saw the dark side of every child in the class, and she kept her cool. she redirected, and commanded respect. she was firm, but not mean. she was authoritative, but not domineering. she has heaps and yards and years of experience, and she is heaven sent. she also paid me the nicest, most sincere compliment i've received in a loooooong while, it brought tears to my eyes, but also made me laugh out loud. she is starting in the early part of next week, and will be my co-teacher.
so i guess i am holding off on throwing in the towel. i've had my little hissy fit, and i actually do feel a little better. i still have the car issue to deal with, but i am confident that my Father will work that out as well. i have once again been reminded that He does hear me, He knows what i need, and He wants me to trust Him for it. All of it.
this is what makes me smile:
gigantic old trees.
