i spent yesterday most of the evening, and well past midnight reading a two volume story. it was a story about growth and stagnation, challenge and triumph..or failure. there were heartbreaks, joyous celebrations, and tantrums. at various times i wept; tears of joy, of anger, and of grief. there were moments when i wanted to scoop the main character up in my arms for a long, comforting hug, and other times when i just wanted to shake some sense into her. throughout the story there was always an underlying layer of  hopefulness versus hopelessness, and the consequences of each.
this was the story of a girl who most saw as having an abundance of potential and even a lot of natural ability, but unfortunately, who most also often saw as someone who didn't really need much help. this girl kind of got lost in the shuffle and was not comfortable reaching out for the assistance she desperately needed, so her talents and potential were wasted because of her inability to plan or just to really know where to turn for some concrete direction. or so she allowed herself to believe. at times she became bogged down in perceived helplessness and confusion. other times, she soared.
i noticed that, throughout the tale, the times the girl was most content were the times she seemed to be focusing her thoughts on God and seeking after His will. (duh, right?) it was the times when she allowed unholy distractions into her life, or put other things or people in a more elevated place than she should have, that things in her life went wonky and difficulties ensued. (again, duh.)
there was a "mostly" happy ending, but even with that there were major life challenges that the girl would be facing in the future. in the end, i was left with hopes for years filled with promise and joy,  and for her to reclaim the calling on her life.
it was a pretty good story, and there were some shockers in there that i wasn't expecting. this was strange, because the books were my journals from 1993-1999. there were also a lot of things that i was kind of surprised weren't in there. i am left with a feeling similar to the one i had when i first read The Bell Jar. i was absolutely convinced that i suffered from the same difficulties, and even diseases that Esther did. moreover, i felt i was Esther. i felt i was reading the story of my life. this time, at least i don't feel quite as crazy for feeling that way. ;)
so..i'm not sure what i want to do with these journals. part of me wants to hold on to them, because they really are a chronicle of some of the most difficult times in my life. looking back now, i can see so many things so clearly...it makes me feel a mixture of anger at and pity for myself, but almost as if it wasn't me..like this girl was a totally different person.  in a lot of ways, she was. so much of that girl is dead and buried with a shout of good riddance and a brief moment of mourning for all of the wasted years and energy. but you can't go back, can you? you just have to learn from your mistakes, and it really does help to be able to put things together and sort of figure out why i made some of the stupid choices that i did...not that it makes them okay..
there is another part of me that just wants to burn the journals. to symbolically (and literally) burn all the hurt and pain, and just be done with it once and for all. but then, i've done that before, and the only good it did was it gave me a reason to go out to the burn barrel and play with some matches for a little while.
i am so very thankful for being rescued from the place the Lord pulled me out of, so amazed that He still wanted me after all the careless ways i behaved. while i was reading, i felt like, even during my darkest days, i was always reaching toward Jesus, even when i was floundering and drowning...i just couldn't seem to keep my grasp. there were so many things weighing me down that i didn't even realize at the time. i am just glad He never let me go. ♥

"But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed. All of us, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned-every one of us-to our own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:5&6

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these should perish."
Matthew 18:12-14

thank You. ♥