with apologies to Ed McCurdy, "last night, i had the strangest dream.."
it was really stormy, and huge claps of thunder kept interrupting my dream cycle, so it was like one big dream, in vignettes..

in the first part, han and i were getting off a plane, carrying satchels, and wearing long flowy skirts. the wind was blowing, it was sunny but sort of hazy, and we were walking down the plane's stairs, directly onto a tarmac. i don't know where we were going to or coming from, but we were happy, and i felt fulfilled.
next, we were at my father's house. it was new, and huge. there were two ENORMOUS trees in the front yard, and one was dead. i was standing on the front porch, watching my father as he was making plans to cut the tree down.

at this point, i think i woke up completely, and when i fell back to sleep i was dreaming that i was at a picnic with some friends, at the place where we went when i was very young to have our church picnics. there were a bunch of kids splashing around in the stream where i used to catch water skippers..i remembered how cold the water was. my friend was telling me that her husband wouldn't be joining us because he was at home enjoying his newest pastime...taking a dust bath. like a chinchilla.

back at my father's house, the huge dead tree was cut down, except for the massive trunk...i suddenly thought, "we should carve a house out of that!!" so i ran to where my dad was standing with an axe in front of the trunk, and started to tell him my idea. he just kinda nodded at the tree..and suddenly there was a door in the trunk, and i could see that someone had already made it into an awesome little cottage.
inside the trunk house there were three levels that kind of spiraled up toward the ceiling, which was made of what looked like moss or something..on the inside and the outside. there was one stairway in the middle, really more of a ladder, which you could use to climb up to any of the levels if you didn't want to walk through the rooms that made up the spiral. it was freaking awesome. it sort of reminded me of something you'd find in the shire, except that it had a washer and dryer on the lowest level, and i'm pretty sure that hobbits hand wash their clothing. haha.

i explored this awesome little cottage some more, and upon exiting, my father handed me a big, wooden skeleton key.

insert incredibly loud, house-shaking thunder...
i was disappointed to have been so rudely excused from that dream. i totally wanted to move in and make it my home. i tried to fall back to sleep quickly, but that was one whopper of a storm, so i reminded myself how much i love thunderstorms and i'm pretty sure that i eventually fell back to sleep with a smile on my face. :)

unfortunately, the last part of the dream that i remember was not pleasant at all..i won't go into details because it disturbs me, but it involved one of my sisters becoming angry about the tree house, and trying to throw herself down the stairs. :/

what impresses me most about this odd little collection of dreamlets is that, aside from the last part, i remember feeling very peaceful and happy. normally, i guess i have feelings in my dreams, but i don't always feel so vividly. the other thing that is very interesting to me is the trunk cottage. i kind of consider myself to be a bit of a vagabond..not to the extent that i would be if money was no object and hannah didn't like her school so much..but a wanderer and explorer in spirit if not in flesh. though i have often daydreamed about having a little farm or cabin somewhere, it's never been one of the pressing urges guiding my life. i kind of like the idea of being able to pick up and go. i guess i could be happy either way..but have always felt kind of drawn to the idea of moving around and seeing "the world"...... but i am jabbering here.
the thing about the dream is that i had a house. and i was super excited about it. i think there's some obvious symbolism in the house being made of a huge tree that literally had roots. also about my father preparing a place for me that exceeded anything i could have dreamed up on my own.
when i was thinking back about this dream during the day, it brought to mind when Jesus said,
"in my Father's house are many dwellings, if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." John 14:2
i've always loved this passage of scripture when Jesus told the disciples that He was leaving, but only for a little while, so that He could get a place ready for us...♥.."and if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto Myself; that where I am , you may be also." John 14:3

i had a really good idea for a blog post a few hours ago...
then i ran around outside for a while and got really tired and accidentally fell asleep for a few hours.
now, i have a crick in my neck from sleeping unexpectedly in an unusual position, my clothes that were in the dryer are wrinkled beyond un-wrinkling without rewashing (i sooo don't iron), my hair is in the same state as my clothing because it was wet when i fell asleep, and i can only remember that my awesome writing idea started out with a thought i had while applying 7 band-aids to different spots on my feet.
new seasons=new shoes=blisters. a life lesson. heheh. there were going to be thoughts on the process of blisters eventually becoming seasoned areas that can "take the pressure" over time..there was going to be a reminder that Jesus is the balm to our aching, bloody feet, and where we are too weak to walk alone, we can remember that He walks before us.   it was good, i'm telling you. heheh
as it is, i am thankful for my wonky, spontaneous nap. it was oddly refreshing in its unplanned-ness. sometimes i get caught up too much in needing to know things. what's going on, when and how it's going to happen..etc. for someone who is so not-so-great at making plans, i surely like to be in on them. you know, get a glimpse of that elusive "big picture." ...so my nap changed my plans? it's cool. i can roll with it.
i am actually kind of a pro at rolling with it. hahahaa.
and when i am NOT feeling like a pro at rolling with it, or that rolling with it is even OKAY...there's this:
"for i am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

and this is what makes me smile:
chicks.

i really  hope my daughter never outgrows her love of playgrounds.
some people lose their youthful glee much too early...in fact, i don't see why you have to lose it at all.
something magical happens inside of me when i see a swing, a slide, or a merry go round. haaha
when i think about how rickety the playground equipment was when i was a kid, i am almost amazed that so many of us survived. some of those climbers were INSANE!!, and would never be considered "up to code" today...then again, my favorite climbers were trees, and i doubt those would be considered safe either.
while the kiddo & i were out and about we came across this beauty:

that's right, folks...a genuine "QUALITY ZOOM SLIDE"
now, i don't know how many of you have had the pleasure of zooming down one of these babies, but let me tell you...they are just as fast (or not, if you're wearing shorts) as they were in 1986.

today, the kiddo and i explored a part of the park we've never visited before. we were in search of an old meeting house and cemetery...it was kind of a spur of the moment decision to go there, it was such a nice day after a string of cold, rainy ones..i had to be outside! anyway, if i'd thought about it earlier, i would have looked up the park map, and would have been able to easily find the church. instead, i relied on my memory of what i'd viewed a while back...and ended up taking us on a nice ramble through the woods. instead of a straight 1/2 mile or so down a gravel path, we tromped along the mountain bike trail..we saw a bunny, lots of bees, and two does, who looked less surprised to see us than we were to see them. we never did end up at the meeting house..i guess we'll do that another day. :)

"God saw everything that He had made, and indeed, it was very good." Genesis 1:31

don't worry, i actually have pretty mediocre self esteem.

who can clear a nasty bathtub clog, replace a shower head and make a killer coffee cake, all in the same afternoon? yeah, it's me. no need to fret, i washed my hands. 

i really can do all things, through Him who strengthens me. :) ...even when clearing that clog made me almost toss my cookies, i pinched my finger while tightening the shower head, and almost burnt the coffee cake. heheh 


mmmm...

today i am thankful. i am reminding myself that i am thankful...i am in a rotten mood. probably because i haven't been sleeping well, allergies are kicking my butt (or my head), and things that i can normally just let bounce off me are piercing my armor. 

i am thankful for my family. most especially my awesome kiddo who i am blessed to enjoy spending time with. working with kids (and parents), i see so many people who genuinely love their children-but don't seem to really like them very much. my daughter has always been highly entertaining at the very least, and i am really enjoying getting to know the young lady she is becoming. she is w-e-i-r-d. and i am soooo glad. there wasn't much hope for her to be otherwise. haha. i'm also thankful that my sisters keep having cute babies for me to cuddle and spoil. being an aunt rocks my socks.

i am thankful that it rained today and washed some of the pollen out of the air and off my car. 

i am even thankful for the pollen. 

i am thankful for my job. and that my boss seems to like me. and that she asked me to come back in the fall.

i'm thankful that, even though i DO enjoy my job (for the most part), i have only FIVE more weeks of work until i get to take a break and spend the summer helping my sister out with her crazy little monster. :) BLESSED!!!!!!

i am thankful for my friends. especially the ones who make me laugh...also thankful for laughter. i need it. i think i am addicted to it. 

i'm thankful for the guy who held the door open for me at the dollar store this afternoon, and also thankful that the bag i was carrying didn't break until after i got to the car. 

i'm thankful for Ephesians 6:10-18 because it gets me through so much. what a blessing to have all those powerful tools. ♥ as soon as i am finished here, i am going to go read it again...even though i've been able to quote it since i was 6. on that note, i am thankful for junior bible quiz...even though it used to make me have anxiety attacks and i never actually competed because i was too busy throwing up in the trash can. heheh  the only question i ever answered because even practicing made me ill..."what does Golgotha mean?" and i am thankful for kenny brown, who whispered the answer to me. heheehh. 2 points to you, reader, if you know the answer without googling.

i am thankful for the crazy beautiful sunrise this morning, and that i was driving to work so i could see it. 

ok i am feeling slightly less grumbly now.

this is what makes me smile:

kids who run up to me and ask, "Miss Amy!!! Can I draw your FACE???" :)

i am so frustrated with people who are mean and nasty and who stereotype and judge others because of their physical appearance, intellect, social status, etc.
i have to repeat to myself, "in your anger do not sin." so often that it seems like i am shouting it at myself in my mind. reacting to situations that hurt other people in a right way is soooo hard for me sometimes. :/ especially when the people being so hateful claim to be followers of my Jesus.
i know that "beating" people with the Word is not the proper response but sometimes i just want to scream...

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:36-40

"You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your Father is perfect."
Matthew 5:42-48

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; it does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

sometimes it's good to remind myself, too. i need to have love for these meanie pants people. and not grumble at them in my heart. or outloud....or on my blog, i suppose. i am so aggravated. grah. and sad. and that makes me mad.
how hard is it, really, to treat others with kindness and respect?!? i know i have been guilty of unkind words...so i will go shout to myself what i feel like shouting at others. and i will pray for them. and for me. and for all the people who were hurt by words or deeds today. :c

oh the joys of getting new toys. :)

i have never been a fan of putting apples in smoothies-they just don't break down the way most fruits do. (same with carrots.) so, upon opening my shiny new NINJA blender, i threw in 2 apples, 2 clementines, some oj and a banana. the result was sublime. there were still some bits of apple about the size you think of as in applesauce..but not many, and none as big as typical oj pulp. i was pleasantly surprised.

i am often overcome by the crazy intricate creations all around us. when i was taking anatomy and physiology, along with health and nutrition...it was ridiculous to see how perfectly we have been provided for. nearly every ailment can be aided by enjoying a fruit, vegetable, or other plant/nut/seed that contains whatever it is your body is lacking.

for example, my spur of the moment smoothie-there is a wealth of health benefits in that 30 oz pitcher..i'm just going to keep my fruit praise to the banana for now, or i'll be here writing all night. bananas are full of vitamin B6, vitamin C, potassium and magnesium..as well as fiber.
B6 deficiencies can cause insomnia, irritability, and fatigue, eating just half a banana can help to boost your energy, and supposedly, your mood.
Potassium helps to regulate blood pressure and also helps to reduce any muscle cramping you may have after the spur-of-the-moment jog you enjoyed after that boost in energy you got from the banana.
Vitamin C is probably the most common vitamin you think of when healthy supplements come to mind. It is widely known for its ability to help strengthen the immune system, but C also helps to detoxify our bodies, and promotes cellular healing, removes heavy metals, destroys "bad" bacteria and viruses, and much more. One of it's most important and overlooked jobs is to aid in the body's absorption of iron, which is essential in proper oxygenation...oxygen is important. heheh. low iron absorption/anemia can cause fatigue, anxiety, irritability, sleepiness, tinnitus(ringing in the ears), constipation, heart palpitations, mouth ulcers, depression, hair loss, and more. no wonder Vitamin C is such a popular guy.. and i haven't even mentioned scurvy!! :)
Magnesium aids in body temperature regulation, detoxification, and helps to form healthy bones and teeth, by assisting in the absorption of calcium. Magnesium is also beneficial to many women's health issues, and works together with B6 to aid in the prevention of insomnia, constipation, high blood pressure, migraines, kidney stones, gallstones, and more. Magnesium is believed to prevent cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and may treat diabetes and depression. !!

it seems like beans aren't the only magical fruit out there. :)

"He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate-bringing forth food from the earth..." ps 104:14-16

today i am thankful for fruit.
and this is what makes me smile:

it never ceases to amaze me that, even when i feel so far away from God, He always finds a way to let me know that He knows what's up, and He loves me & knows what i need.

this matters:

we didn't have much of a "PA" winter this year. in fact, it was very much reminiscent of the "winters" i spent in the mid-state of NC. warm enough to go for a bike ride in early january, only a total of about 10-12" of snow (ok...most years in NC we didn't get that much, but here we average closer to 30", with the last few years being above average.), and daffodils blooming in late february to early march, when normally we don't see them until mid to late march/early april.

there's been some concern about the fruit harvest in the area this year, because growers are worried that there is greater potential for the buds and blossoms, which are already out, to blow off the trees, or to freeze if we happen to have a cold snap. on the other hand, orchardists (i think i made that word up.) are cautiously anticipating a majorly bountiful, early crop because of the potentially longer & unusually warm growing season. YAY for the potential for fresh cherries before summer!

punxsutawney phil sure got it wrong this year! spring definitely came early...even the bugs and baby bunnies are out and about. and just the other day, i saw a red tailed hawk flying over a field with a black snake hanging from its talons.

i've really, REALLY been enjoying the early season. and since there wasn't really a "thaw", it hasn't been all gooey & mucky like it normally is in the transitional time between winter and full blown springyness. i like it. :)
some people who are not so cool with it-people who booked DC hotel rooms in order to enjoy the annual cherry blossom festival, which takes place each year in mid april. unfortunately, the blooms are out this week in DC, and will be gone by the time those folks come to town.

our lovely cherry tree in the back yard is about 3 1/2 weeks ahead of "schedule" also.
here is a picture i took last year on april 17th:

and here is one i took today. (please excuse the poor photo quality...i'm having issues with focus lately. :/ )

early spring makes me smile. :)

and this passage always comes to mind at this season...
"look now, the winter is past. the rain is over and gone. the flowers have already appeared in the land; the time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in the land. the figs are ripening on the trees and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance..." Song of Solomon 2:11-13a

monday is just not my friend lately.
tuesday, wednesday, and thursday haven't been all that kind, either. heheh

i saw a commercial earlier, for a local candy company. it featured "cute" kids dressed up in their Easter finery, talking about their favorite sweets. one kid said, "my grammy likes, like, Jesus and stuff...so she got me a chocolate cross. and i ate it. is that okay?"

i guess i've been in a kind of funk lately, one that i'm just noticing more now that i am climbing out of it. isn't it weird how sometimes things can just attach themselves to you, like a nettle? and it seems like they're magnetic..before you know it, you've got a whole jumble of sticky little briers slowing you down. when i see a mess of those things  clinging to me, i usually just reach down and try to grab the whole group and rip them off.. i usually end up with tiny barbs in my fingers, and with brambles still attached.
for some reason it's almost always not until after i give myself splinters, that i look to the One who i know is really good at plucking out thorns.

i am smacking myself around with the goodness of the books 1st and 2nd Peter.. i am amazed that God is so patient, so loving and faithful...yet at the same time, i know that He is just and righteous, and i know what He expects from me.. it still blows my mind that He chose me.


a "poem"

i could gaze
at Your beautiful
ocean...forever.
resting
by the shore
i feel so close to You.
each wave-
with every rise
and every fall-
proclaims that
You are King.
the winds
whisper Your Name
and say that
You are Lord.
You made the sea.
only You are more amazing.


what makes me smile today:
thinking of the ocean & the One who created it.

from this day forward i am, and shall ever be, a ONE coffee per day girl.
(or less....i prefer tea, anyway. :P)

this is what makes me smile:
a yard full of robins that i did not get to take a picture of.

also, this:
Psalm 32:8-11
"the LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control! Many sorrows come to the wicked, but UNFAILING LOVE surrounds those who trust the LORD. So rejoice in the LORD and be glad, all you who obey Him! Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!" ♥

someday...maybe someday..

this is what made me smile today:
a post card sent from my pap to my granny while he was in training for the us army air corps during ww2.

ten albums full of old (and some newer) family photographs...
another album that contains a collection of almost one hundred postcards dated 1905-the 1950s, which belonged to my great-grandmother...
countless newspaper clippings-pertinent to family and local history, as well as major national and world events...
bible records and other genealogical treasures, including drawings by some of my favorite great aunts and cousins who have passed on...
a pot of delicious jasmine tea...
a mix of my favorite tunes...
a glowing fireplace...
and a fluffy cat curled up in a big wicker bowl beside me.

all these things have made for an excellent afternoon. :)

i am especially intrigued by my great grandmother, Mary Jane. there are a number of parallels between our lives, and the more i learn about her, the more i wish i'd gotten a chance to know her. she has always been remembered with great fondness by my mom, my aunts, and cousins who were blessed to have spent time with her.
one of the funniest stories i remember hearing was of a time when she was walking from her home to the home of my mother's family. they lived in a small valley-the walk wasn't far, but it was mostly uphill and through a patch of woods. on the way, she met a skunk who decided she was in his (or her, i guess!) territory, and chased "Big Grandma" (as my mom & aunts referred to her) the whole way up the hill. my mom remembers hearing Big Grandma screaming well before she came crashing through the front door (rather than the back..where she normally entered), out of breath from the run up the hill. as soon as she got inside, she promptly fainted on the living room floor. :) hehe

i also hear she made spectacular potato chips. !! yum.

"..from everlasting to everlasting, the LORD's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness will be with their children's children..." Psalm 103:17

this is what makes me smile:
my great-great grandmother, Bessie Talitha Bricker Sword, with her daughters Catherine and Mary Jane

i've been having some amazingly vivid dreams recently. one was very terrifying, involving monsters and all sorts of scary things happening to my loved ones. i woke up and restarted that dream at least three times that i remember. each time, as i was drifting back to sleep, i would think, "now amy...dream something better this time." it didn't work so well.
one night i dreamed that i kept hiding from people. there were several different people i hid from, and throughout the dream it seemed as though i was watching life from the other side of a window. the weird part about that dream was, all of the people i hid from were people who i desperately wanted to be involved with in some capacity. yet, i still hid. there was one person who realized i was hiding, found me, and involved me in a game of chess.
another night, i dreamed that i was outside with a group of people, and we were all star gazing...looking for meteors. i saw one, and then another, and soon there were "shooting stars" whizzing across the heavens in every direction...but i was the only one in the group who could see them.
lots of interesting things have been happening in my dreams lately...and in nearly every single one of them, i am absolutely convinced that i am awake, and those things are really happening. when i wake up, i am either relieved, or sort of sad..depending on the dream.
last night, i had an entirely different experience. instead of being asleep and convinced that i was awake...i had the opposite happen. i got a strange, unintelligible text from my company's owner which had me fully convinced that i'd been fired. i replied with an equally unintelligible question as to whether that is what she meant, or if i was very confused. thankfully, she gave me a call & assured me that i was not fired, and that she thought i'd better go back to sleep because she thought i'd taken too much cold medicine. it turns out she was probably right about that. haha..today, i am red-faced, but glad to still have my job. i am also glad that i have the ability to laugh at myself. heheh

a verse i read today:
"a man's heart plans his way, but it is the Lord who establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

this is what makes me smile. raptors.

"her"

when the daffodils start to bloom, i always change my route home from work to include going down an awesomely pot-hole infested, one and a half lane dirt road that is sometimes between hills and sometimes on the side of a cliff. that road cuts through one of the most ruggedly beautiful valleys i've seen around here, and in truth i take this route once every other week or so throughout the year, just because it's so pretty.
in this valley, along a lane called "prospect hill," there is an old, crumbling farmhouse in the middle of what is now a sheep pasture. (i always feel bad for those little guys when they get sheared..they look so, well, weird. haha)
i like to imagine what the people who lived in that house were like..why would they choose such a place to build their home and farm? those hilly fields had to be hard to clear, till, and harvest.
there is a rusty old water pump in front of the house, and i imagine outbuildings filled with tools and animals. i can almost hear a brood of boisterous children running around..and chickens. i wonder about the "woman of the house." what was she like? did she enjoy living so far from town? did she wander along the brook that rambles through the valley? the brook that originates as a spring bubbling up from her front yard, eventually growing into a stream and merging with the codorus creek, which meanders all through our county until it finally meets up with the mighty  susquehanna  river, rushing over rocks and through forests to join with the chesapeake bay, which then flows to the atlantic ocean...? was she aware of the awesomeness of this?? did she care where that brook went? or just that it sometimes flooded during a heavy rain? where was she from? what was her name? did she love the hills and valleys? my questions are endless...
one thing i do know, is that she (or someone who came after her) liked daffodils. i know this because they still bloom every spring.
today, i saw a few blooming at a house on my way home from work & so i decided it was time to check out the prospect hill farm to see if "her" daffodil's were out yet. ...
almost. i'll just have to drive by again in a few days. :)

all these things sent me in search of my camera today. at this particular moment, i'm glad i splurged on the ridiculously over priced batteries.

we don't call it "the eagle tree" for nothing.

nothing too spectacular here, just a shimmering lake and some lovely shades of brown and blue..

my "church shoes"

                        

by far, the cutest thing i saw all day.

hibiscus tea. yum.

such a pretty sunset that even an out of focus picture can't take away its loveliness.

so cool. jupiter, moon, and venus. (and a photobombing jet.)

all of these things are a testament to God's love for me. (well...maybe not the jet. ;) )

His blessings are endless, He is my Joy, my Love, and my Peace.

pssssst! He loves you, too.

i spent yesterday most of the evening, and well past midnight reading a two volume story. it was a story about growth and stagnation, challenge and triumph..or failure. there were heartbreaks, joyous celebrations, and tantrums. at various times i wept; tears of joy, of anger, and of grief. there were moments when i wanted to scoop the main character up in my arms for a long, comforting hug, and other times when i just wanted to shake some sense into her. throughout the story there was always an underlying layer of  hopefulness versus hopelessness, and the consequences of each.
this was the story of a girl who most saw as having an abundance of potential and even a lot of natural ability, but unfortunately, who most also often saw as someone who didn't really need much help. this girl kind of got lost in the shuffle and was not comfortable reaching out for the assistance she desperately needed, so her talents and potential were wasted because of her inability to plan or just to really know where to turn for some concrete direction. or so she allowed herself to believe. at times she became bogged down in perceived helplessness and confusion. other times, she soared.
i noticed that, throughout the tale, the times the girl was most content were the times she seemed to be focusing her thoughts on God and seeking after His will. (duh, right?) it was the times when she allowed unholy distractions into her life, or put other things or people in a more elevated place than she should have, that things in her life went wonky and difficulties ensued. (again, duh.)
there was a "mostly" happy ending, but even with that there were major life challenges that the girl would be facing in the future. in the end, i was left with hopes for years filled with promise and joy,  and for her to reclaim the calling on her life.
it was a pretty good story, and there were some shockers in there that i wasn't expecting. this was strange, because the books were my journals from 1993-1999. there were also a lot of things that i was kind of surprised weren't in there. i am left with a feeling similar to the one i had when i first read The Bell Jar. i was absolutely convinced that i suffered from the same difficulties, and even diseases that Esther did. moreover, i felt i was Esther. i felt i was reading the story of my life. this time, at least i don't feel quite as crazy for feeling that way. ;)
so..i'm not sure what i want to do with these journals. part of me wants to hold on to them, because they really are a chronicle of some of the most difficult times in my life. looking back now, i can see so many things so clearly...it makes me feel a mixture of anger at and pity for myself, but almost as if it wasn't me..like this girl was a totally different person.  in a lot of ways, she was. so much of that girl is dead and buried with a shout of good riddance and a brief moment of mourning for all of the wasted years and energy. but you can't go back, can you? you just have to learn from your mistakes, and it really does help to be able to put things together and sort of figure out why i made some of the stupid choices that i did...not that it makes them okay..
there is another part of me that just wants to burn the journals. to symbolically (and literally) burn all the hurt and pain, and just be done with it once and for all. but then, i've done that before, and the only good it did was it gave me a reason to go out to the burn barrel and play with some matches for a little while.
i am so very thankful for being rescued from the place the Lord pulled me out of, so amazed that He still wanted me after all the careless ways i behaved. while i was reading, i felt like, even during my darkest days, i was always reaching toward Jesus, even when i was floundering and drowning...i just couldn't seem to keep my grasp. there were so many things weighing me down that i didn't even realize at the time. i am just glad He never let me go. ♥

"But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed. All of us, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned-every one of us-to our own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:5&6

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these should perish."
Matthew 18:12-14

thank You. ♥

it is amazing the amount of stuff a person can collect over the years. even after several moves and "downsizing" i still have more things than any one human being needs. so, i am trying to pare down all this stuff...again. where does it all come from??
i'm not really a pack rat, but i do tend to hold on to things that have sentimental value. or things that i find amusing. for example, i just ran across a little comic strip i drew one day while i was at work...15 years ago. hahaha...
i worked at Walden Books, and was assigned to man the middle of the mall calendar kiosk most days. there was a rather large, ugly sign that read, "DAY BY DAY CALENDAR COMPANY"  i basically stood there and people watched for most of the day-or chatted with the elderly gentlepeople who worked at Hickory Farms. (they gave me lots of delicious cheese & crackers.)
anyway, i enjoyed this job for the most part, except for the fact that people-mostly middle aged to older people-constantly asked if the items (which mostly had the upcoming year emblazoned on the front) were records. i heard a lot of, "RECORDS!? who even has a record player anymore???" (this was obviously before having a record player was fashionable again.) or "what are these things, LP's?" or, "do you have any Chicago?" and, "$12.89 for a RECORD??? that's INCREDIBLE!!" often, when i would explain that it was a calendar kiosk, and all we sold were calendars, i got this response, "well they look like records." sooo....the continuous comments and questions about the calendars being records got on my nerves. a lot.

things that do not happen every day.

today, three guineas chased me down a dirt path.
today, my grandma told me a story about my dad while i was sitting in the same room as she was.
today, josie beat me at a sliding board race.
today, hannah practiced her pratfalls...and actually didn't hurt herself.
today, a 2 year old handed me a flower.
today, my aunt gave me a hug.
today, my sister called and asked me to pick up a slushy on my way home.
today, i saw a righteous double sundog.
today, i fed one of the cutest boys i've ever seen mashed carrots and oatmeal.
today, my best friend invited me over for supper..and i was close enough to accept.
today, it was decided that pac-man party is really not my game.
today was a good day. :)


this is what makes me smile: hehehehh

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1

this is what makes me smile:
this old house.

there are not very many things as lovely as a cardinal sitting on a snow covered tree branch. :)

ever feel like you're just wandering around, not really knowing what to do, which way to go...or where to start? yep. me, too.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

there is a flock of wild chickens that lives down the road from my house. they like to chill in the middle of the road a lot of times, and when we first moved here i would slam on my brakes, or swerve to try to avoid hitting one (or more!) of them. i don't know when my actions changed, maybe they just morphed over time, but now-i don't swerve. i don't brake. i just continue...sometimes i actually speed up. those chickens are fast. and they seem to love to cut it really close with the cars, especially the roosters. i've never seen one of them laying along the side of the road, and i've noticed that none of the other local cars slow down either. it makes me wonder how long their little family has been around. and also, i hope i never run into them when i'm out for a jog...i'm pretty sure they could all take me.

today, i saw a pink and gray spotted pig eating leftover corn in a field just outside of town.
and that made me smile. :)