"her"

when the daffodils start to bloom, i always change my route home from work to include going down an awesomely pot-hole infested, one and a half lane dirt road that is sometimes between hills and sometimes on the side of a cliff. that road cuts through one of the most ruggedly beautiful valleys i've seen around here, and in truth i take this route once every other week or so throughout the year, just because it's so pretty.
in this valley, along a lane called "prospect hill," there is an old, crumbling farmhouse in the middle of what is now a sheep pasture. (i always feel bad for those little guys when they get sheared..they look so, well, weird. haha)
i like to imagine what the people who lived in that house were like..why would they choose such a place to build their home and farm? those hilly fields had to be hard to clear, till, and harvest.
there is a rusty old water pump in front of the house, and i imagine outbuildings filled with tools and animals. i can almost hear a brood of boisterous children running around..and chickens. i wonder about the "woman of the house." what was she like? did she enjoy living so far from town? did she wander along the brook that rambles through the valley? the brook that originates as a spring bubbling up from her front yard, eventually growing into a stream and merging with the codorus creek, which meanders all through our county until it finally meets up with the mighty  susquehanna  river, rushing over rocks and through forests to join with the chesapeake bay, which then flows to the atlantic ocean...? was she aware of the awesomeness of this?? did she care where that brook went? or just that it sometimes flooded during a heavy rain? where was she from? what was her name? did she love the hills and valleys? my questions are endless...
one thing i do know, is that she (or someone who came after her) liked daffodils. i know this because they still bloom every spring.
today, i saw a few blooming at a house on my way home from work & so i decided it was time to check out the prospect hill farm to see if "her" daffodil's were out yet. ...
almost. i'll just have to drive by again in a few days. :)

all these things sent me in search of my camera today. at this particular moment, i'm glad i splurged on the ridiculously over priced batteries.

we don't call it "the eagle tree" for nothing.

nothing too spectacular here, just a shimmering lake and some lovely shades of brown and blue..

my "church shoes"

                        

by far, the cutest thing i saw all day.

hibiscus tea. yum.

such a pretty sunset that even an out of focus picture can't take away its loveliness.

so cool. jupiter, moon, and venus. (and a photobombing jet.)

all of these things are a testament to God's love for me. (well...maybe not the jet. ;) )

His blessings are endless, He is my Joy, my Love, and my Peace.

pssssst! He loves you, too.

i spent yesterday most of the evening, and well past midnight reading a two volume story. it was a story about growth and stagnation, challenge and triumph..or failure. there were heartbreaks, joyous celebrations, and tantrums. at various times i wept; tears of joy, of anger, and of grief. there were moments when i wanted to scoop the main character up in my arms for a long, comforting hug, and other times when i just wanted to shake some sense into her. throughout the story there was always an underlying layer of  hopefulness versus hopelessness, and the consequences of each.
this was the story of a girl who most saw as having an abundance of potential and even a lot of natural ability, but unfortunately, who most also often saw as someone who didn't really need much help. this girl kind of got lost in the shuffle and was not comfortable reaching out for the assistance she desperately needed, so her talents and potential were wasted because of her inability to plan or just to really know where to turn for some concrete direction. or so she allowed herself to believe. at times she became bogged down in perceived helplessness and confusion. other times, she soared.
i noticed that, throughout the tale, the times the girl was most content were the times she seemed to be focusing her thoughts on God and seeking after His will. (duh, right?) it was the times when she allowed unholy distractions into her life, or put other things or people in a more elevated place than she should have, that things in her life went wonky and difficulties ensued. (again, duh.)
there was a "mostly" happy ending, but even with that there were major life challenges that the girl would be facing in the future. in the end, i was left with hopes for years filled with promise and joy,  and for her to reclaim the calling on her life.
it was a pretty good story, and there were some shockers in there that i wasn't expecting. this was strange, because the books were my journals from 1993-1999. there were also a lot of things that i was kind of surprised weren't in there. i am left with a feeling similar to the one i had when i first read The Bell Jar. i was absolutely convinced that i suffered from the same difficulties, and even diseases that Esther did. moreover, i felt i was Esther. i felt i was reading the story of my life. this time, at least i don't feel quite as crazy for feeling that way. ;)
so..i'm not sure what i want to do with these journals. part of me wants to hold on to them, because they really are a chronicle of some of the most difficult times in my life. looking back now, i can see so many things so clearly...it makes me feel a mixture of anger at and pity for myself, but almost as if it wasn't me..like this girl was a totally different person.  in a lot of ways, she was. so much of that girl is dead and buried with a shout of good riddance and a brief moment of mourning for all of the wasted years and energy. but you can't go back, can you? you just have to learn from your mistakes, and it really does help to be able to put things together and sort of figure out why i made some of the stupid choices that i did...not that it makes them okay..
there is another part of me that just wants to burn the journals. to symbolically (and literally) burn all the hurt and pain, and just be done with it once and for all. but then, i've done that before, and the only good it did was it gave me a reason to go out to the burn barrel and play with some matches for a little while.
i am so very thankful for being rescued from the place the Lord pulled me out of, so amazed that He still wanted me after all the careless ways i behaved. while i was reading, i felt like, even during my darkest days, i was always reaching toward Jesus, even when i was floundering and drowning...i just couldn't seem to keep my grasp. there were so many things weighing me down that i didn't even realize at the time. i am just glad He never let me go. ♥

"But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed. All of us, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned-every one of us-to our own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:5&6

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these should perish."
Matthew 18:12-14

thank You. ♥

it is amazing the amount of stuff a person can collect over the years. even after several moves and "downsizing" i still have more things than any one human being needs. so, i am trying to pare down all this stuff...again. where does it all come from??
i'm not really a pack rat, but i do tend to hold on to things that have sentimental value. or things that i find amusing. for example, i just ran across a little comic strip i drew one day while i was at work...15 years ago. hahaha...
i worked at Walden Books, and was assigned to man the middle of the mall calendar kiosk most days. there was a rather large, ugly sign that read, "DAY BY DAY CALENDAR COMPANY"  i basically stood there and people watched for most of the day-or chatted with the elderly gentlepeople who worked at Hickory Farms. (they gave me lots of delicious cheese & crackers.)
anyway, i enjoyed this job for the most part, except for the fact that people-mostly middle aged to older people-constantly asked if the items (which mostly had the upcoming year emblazoned on the front) were records. i heard a lot of, "RECORDS!? who even has a record player anymore???" (this was obviously before having a record player was fashionable again.) or "what are these things, LP's?" or, "do you have any Chicago?" and, "$12.89 for a RECORD??? that's INCREDIBLE!!" often, when i would explain that it was a calendar kiosk, and all we sold were calendars, i got this response, "well they look like records." sooo....the continuous comments and questions about the calendars being records got on my nerves. a lot.

things that do not happen every day.

today, three guineas chased me down a dirt path.
today, my grandma told me a story about my dad while i was sitting in the same room as she was.
today, josie beat me at a sliding board race.
today, hannah practiced her pratfalls...and actually didn't hurt herself.
today, a 2 year old handed me a flower.
today, my aunt gave me a hug.
today, my sister called and asked me to pick up a slushy on my way home.
today, i saw a righteous double sundog.
today, i fed one of the cutest boys i've ever seen mashed carrots and oatmeal.
today, my best friend invited me over for supper..and i was close enough to accept.
today, it was decided that pac-man party is really not my game.
today was a good day. :)


this is what makes me smile: hehehehh

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1

this is what makes me smile:
this old house.

there are not very many things as lovely as a cardinal sitting on a snow covered tree branch. :)

ever feel like you're just wandering around, not really knowing what to do, which way to go...or where to start? yep. me, too.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

there is a flock of wild chickens that lives down the road from my house. they like to chill in the middle of the road a lot of times, and when we first moved here i would slam on my brakes, or swerve to try to avoid hitting one (or more!) of them. i don't know when my actions changed, maybe they just morphed over time, but now-i don't swerve. i don't brake. i just continue...sometimes i actually speed up. those chickens are fast. and they seem to love to cut it really close with the cars, especially the roosters. i've never seen one of them laying along the side of the road, and i've noticed that none of the other local cars slow down either. it makes me wonder how long their little family has been around. and also, i hope i never run into them when i'm out for a jog...i'm pretty sure they could all take me.

today, i saw a pink and gray spotted pig eating leftover corn in a field just outside of town.
and that made me smile. :)

i have been avoiding writing here like the plague. i'm not completely sure why, just haven't felt very wordy lately, i guess.
the weird part is, i'm working through a bunch of things, and at the same time i'm learning a lot of things, and normally those are things that spur me to spill forth the verbal diarrhea.
probably, the main reason i've not been posting is that i am throwing a silent tantrum because i REALLY miss having a working camera. there have been soooooo many instances in the past month or so that i have had such great opportunities for some really good photo memories. i feel kind of like i'm missing an appendage. :(
hopefully soon, i will be able to either have my camera looked at and fixed, or possibly replaced.

i am really, REALLY loving 2 Peter right now. and holy moly, i am so glad for my church & pastors. they are GREAT teachers. just saying.

this is what makes me happy:
love.

it's pretty rare to experience a perfect star gazing night in january. normally it's much too cold to attempt it. i'm thankful that i accidentally left my cell phone in my jeep this afternoon, otherwise, i would have missed out on one of the clearest, mildest nights we've had in quite some time. sirius is so bright, as usual, but holy moly,  i could even see each star in the seven sisters with just my glasses. i almost want to go back out there & lay in the back of the truck with my sleeping bag for a couple of hours. buuuut, alas, i must get up earlier than usual tomorrow. ah the pains of being a responsible adult.

"Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? Can you loosen Orion's belt? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?"
Job 38:31-33 (the LORD speaking to Job)


"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place...what is mankind that You are mindful of them, human beings that You care for them?" Ps.8:3&4

this is what makes me not smile:
my camera being crapped up. i'm getting pretty tired of not taking pictures. :/

...later...so i couldn't stand it. it's 54Freaking degrees. in january. so i got han out of bed, grabbed some sleeping bags & we went out and star gazed for a while. :) she is such a chatterbox ♥
it was really a special little fun time & i hope its something she remembers fondly.
bonus: she saw her first shooting star!

today:

• i got to wake up without an alarm.
• hannah made me a delicious pancake.
• the sun was shining all day long.
• and it was 59F when i woke up at 9am! (so weird for winter in PA!)
• i watched an eagle soar over the lake for about 5 minutes before it finally dove down & presumably caught some lunch.
• vitamin D synthesis happened...capri's and a t-shirt in January hasn't happened since i lived in North Carolina! yaaay for naturally chasing away those winter time blues. heheh
• my dad let me borrow his truck so i didn't have to wrestle with my bike rack...
• hannah & i rode the rail trail past the howard tunnel for the first time-with only one wipe out and a minimal amount of "can we turn around NOW?"
• my mom folded my laundry.
• the laundry dried on the clothesline. outside. in january. without freezing.
• i decided that soaprocks are pretty cool...
• my mom made me chocolate pudding delight. :)
• i made some delicious crab cakes. two thumbs up.
• houston beat cincinnati. which means baltimore will play houston at home next week. and not pittsburgh. i am hoping tebow can pull out another miracle and dump the steelers before they can move on. most raven's players & fans would like to see another match up with pittsburgh this year...just so we can put the thing to rest, but not me. those games give me ulcers.
• charles barkley is hosting SNL...which means it could be hilarious or ridiculous. or both. hopefully both.
• oh yeah, it was my birthday. :)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise-think about these things. Philippians 4:8

this is what makes me smile:

giant tricycles.

starting the year off with a traditional irish blessing sounds like a good idea to me!

May the new year bring
the warmth of hearth and home to you.
The cheer and goodwill of friends to you,
the hope of a childlike heart to you.
The joy of a thousand angels to you,
the love of the Son and God's peace to you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
2012 is a year of victory & change!


"..'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Yet those who wait upon the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

this is what makes me smile:
knowing that God always keeps His promises.

also:
birthday cake.

12 years ago, i was in the hospital, having been in labor for 4 hours...i'm glad i didn't know then that i still had almost 20 more hours until i'd get to meet my sweet baby girl. ♥

right now, there is a room full of giggly, squealing, LOUD 12-year-olds upstairs who sound like they are going to come through the ceiling at any minute. Lord help me. heheh.
i am so thankful He chose me to be her mama...even though i didn't deserve it, and even though i suck at it sometimes. i am so thankful for the people who supported me, and who never questioned my decisions, and who had my back when others were not so supportive or loving. praise God for friends!
i never doubted that she was a gift from Him, and no accident. a living example of His mercy and grace. and that is why her name is Hannah.

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

this is what makes me smile:
wondering if she'll make a mess this big with her cupcake this year?

sometimes i feel like something in my brain short circuits, and things get all muddled and wonky. sometimes it makes me feel lost, confused, overwhelmed, unsure...i forget where i was, and what i was doing-the path i was on before the short circuit. i get frustrated, i feel like i am spinning in a circle and everywhere i look i see something i might have been working toward..or...not? i feel like i need to wake up from a dream, but am fully aware that i am awake. life in a fog, or under the bell jar is not one i prefer. i am hoping for clearheaded-ness to return. with a quickness.

"Hear my prayer, O Jehovah; give ear to my supplications: In thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. And enter not into judgement with thy servant; for in thy sight no man living is righteous. For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground: he hat made me to dwell in dark places, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy doings; I muse on the work of thy hands. I spread forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a weary land. Selah. 
Make haste to answer me, O Jehovah; my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I become like them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Deliver me, O Jehovah, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy Spirit is good; lead me in the land of uprightness. Quicken me, O Jehovah, for thy name's sake: in thy righteousness bring my soul out of trouble. And in thy lovingkindness cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul; for I am thy servant."
Psalm 143


this is what makes me smile:
forehead curls. ♥

today i was blessed to watch my daughter play with both of my nieces together,
i had numerous hilarious, as well as heartfelt conversations with various family members,
my daughter showed that she really loves giving more than receiving,
i made some bangin' queso blanco,
and i found out that hairless guinea pigs exist.
the best part, my favorite part of Christmas Eve each year, was going to our Christmas Eve service.
this year, we didn't have candle light, but for the first time in a very long time i got to sit in a pew with both of my sisters at the same time. i didn't think about it before hand, but while we were all sitting there singing carols, the realization that that hadn't happened in nearly a decade really hit me. i am so thankful to have been able to share this most special evening with them. ♥

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus Christ

2 In those days la decree went out from mCaesar Augustus that all the world should be nregistered. 2 This was the first nregistration when1 Quirinius owas governor of Syria. 3 And all went to be registered, each to his own town. 4 And Joseph also went up pfrom Galilee, from the town of qNazareth, to Judea, to rthe city of David, which is called sBethlehem, tbecause he was of the house and lineage of David, 5 to be registered with Mary, his betrothed,2 who was with child. 6 And twhile they were there, the time came for her to give birth. 7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and uwrapped him in swaddling cloths and vlaid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in wthe inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lordxappeared to them, and ythe glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all zthe people. 11 For aunto you is born this day in bthe city of David ca Savior, who is dChrist ethe Lord. 12 And fthis will be a sign for you: you will find a baby gwrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel ha multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

14 i“Glory to God jin the highest,

jand on earth kpeace lamong those with whom he is pleased!”3

15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the babymlying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But nMary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, oglorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

this is what makes me smile:

love.

today was a great day.
i made roughly 90 pancakes.
and talked about football way too much.
also, i collected my free coffee from starbucks. that was awesome.
my favorite part of today was having a dinner date with my daddy. :)
AND our weather forecast has changed from 0% chance of a white christmas to 50% chance. ooooh that would be so cool. but even if not, we are supposed to have thunderstorms tomorrow, so that will be pretty cool.
ok, random post over. :)

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

and this is what makes me smile:
hanukkah humor...

sometimes i avoid my blog because i am feeling superbly negative, and i know that anything that comes out of me will also be superbly negative. especially here, where i often spew forth without filtering myself. sooo that's where i've been. plus, i've been kinda busy with holiday goings & doings. and also, even with all the extra "activity" i still couldn't think of anything interesting enough to bother to write.

even now, i am struggling. heheh.

i think i shall write you all...

a holiday haiku.
by me.

harried people rush
gathering a lot of junk
the real gift is Love

merry christmas. :)

i'm trying to remember to "Do everything without grumbling or complaining." Philippians2:14

what i'm listening to:

this is what makes me smile:
reindogs.

"some people are placed into your life as blessings. others are placed there as lessons."
so true.
and sometimes it's difficult to tell one from the other..until it becomes glaringly obvious.
i hope that i enter more people's lives as a blessing, than i do as a lesson.

today, i made some fantastic cookies. they were oatmeal craisin and white chocolate chip...i don't even really like white chocolate. way to go, quaker oats guy. you share a delicious recipe on your canister lid. :)

i am including this because my day has been packed full of conversations concerning facial hair. and this is funny. pretty accurate, but i don't agree with the unkempt beard being threatening. as a friend of mine said, "i've never been threatened by an unkempt." :) i saw a shirt that was similar to this once..the beard measurements went down the shirt..the longest stage was called "wizardly" if i remember right. aaaanyway.

verse i'm loving today:
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:1-5

this is what makes me smile:
two of my favorite treats in one container.

so, normally on a monday evening at 8pm i'd be about two hours shy of the end of classes for the day. this evening has seemed to stretch on f-o-r-e-v-e-r. that is good...just really weird. i keep looking at the clock,  thinking it's hours later than it actually is. and i can't tell you how awesome it is not to have some homework assignment looming over me.
but...i miss my classmates! when  you are learning massage, you learn all the ins & outs, functions and abilities of the entire body. and you get to know your classmates very, very well. there were many challenges we all had to face, and overcome throughout this year and some odd months. it was really great to have Dh, Z, K, S, and Db there (as well as Willi), to encourage me, and help me through things that were difficult for me. i am so, so grateful to have met them, and since i am sitting here thinking about how strange it is to not be spending the evening with them, i think i will tell you all about our strange little crew.

to begin with, the class started with around 10 students...some things happened (a lot of which i am still not all that clear about) within the school and classes were postponed a month, with the option for each student to stay enrolled, or to dis-enroll with no penalties and a full refund. when classes resumed, there were 3 students remaining. Dh, Z, and Db. within the next few weeks, K and i would contact the school and be offered spots in the program. a month later S followed.

Dh is one of the sweetest, most caring, encouraging, God-trusting, REAL women i have ever met in the entirety of my existence. she is in her late 40s, a devoted mom of 5, and loving grandmother to 8...with one on the way. Dh is very mild mannered, and was a nurse until a few years ago, when she quit her job to stay home and care for her grandchildren so her kids could work. Dh shares her home with her husband, and FOURTEEN of their family members. she enrolled in PMI because she felt God calling her to use massage as a ministry tool....somehow. she (much like myself) is still not sure how this will come about, or to what capacity she will be using her education. but that's okay. :) did i mention she is sweet? and nurturing? and freaking awesome? she is. ♥

Z is fresh out of high school. at first glance, i was honestly a teeny bit scared of her. hahahahaa. this is ridiculous to me now, but serves as an example of how easily we tend to judge people before getting to know them. Z is kind of rough around the edges, but she's got a very tender heart. she loves to do things for people, but has built up walls to protect herself. she hasn't had the easiest time of it. there are lots of people who treat her badly, and that makes me angry. she can be crass, rude, and disrespectful at times, but only as a defense mechanism. i've gone from wanting to hide from her to wanting to protect her. she is brave, and also afraid..and always willing to give something a try, and always willing to listen to advice that is given with a healthy dose of love. Z has become like the additional little sister i didn't know i wanted. heheh.

Db is a free spirit. she is crazy and predictably unpredictable. she was a student in the program 5 years ago and suddenly dropped out on a whim, in order to travel across the country, living like a gypsy. in fact, she IS a gypsy. Db has some of the most interesting family heritage i've come across in a while. she's got a grandmother on each side of her family who was 1/2 jewish. one was jewish & romani gypsy, and the other is jewish & catholic. she's kind of got mixed up ideas about theology and has practiced almost every religion you can possibly imagine...most recently one that she made up herself. she is searching, seeking, and trying to heal on her own after being hurt or let down by so many. i'm working on showing her that not all who follow Christ are hypocritical, religious, and hateful. it's been a bit of a road, she's been belittled and berated by "christians" and, having been raised in a christian home herself, really knows how to argue. non-believers who know the Bible are the most challenging sort. despite the differences in our faiths, Db has become a very good friend. she's fun..our personalities are really similar, as are our general moral beliefs and opinions on lots of different topics. i think of all my classmates, Db and i are most kindred.

K is a late twenties prim & proper dental office receptionist. of all my classmates, i probably know the least about K, which is strange to me because she was with me from day one. she was just as nervous and unsure as i was, but, like me, was ready for a change in her life. K is really private, and can come off as cold and sarcastic...but i appreciate a dry sense of humor, and once K warms up to you she is a fierce ally. about half way through our second semester, K announced that she was also about halfway through her first TRImester... yay for babies! ♥

S was the last to join our little class. she is tough. as soon as i saw her i thought, "that girl plays softball. and probably volleyball." i was right...on both counts. :) what i didn't know was that she was also a preschool teacher, like me. she became interested in massage because about 10 years ago, she was taught by-hospice nurses-how to relieve the edema in her mother's arms  following the removal of her lymph nodes, because of cancer. S lost her mom when she was still in high school, which gave her both a strength and a gentleness that i admire. S is probably the most determined of our group. she may have started the latest, but she finished just as strong as any of us, and i am proud to call her a friend as well as a colleague in both of my professions. :)

and then there's me. a burnt out single mama, grasping at straws. trying to hang on, trying to be a light, and fumbling down a road that seems bumpy and twisty most of the time..never quite sure of myself, but always sure of one thing- God has a plan for me...a plan for good, and not evil. my steps are ordered by Him, and so long as i trust Him, and follow Him He will lead me and will never, ever let me down.....even when the way i am going feels crazy. :)

"The Lord will guide you continually..." Isaiah 58:11

this is what makes me smile:
one of my favorite versions of one of my favorite songs...

i
have
graduated.

:)

"This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you for your good and leads you along the paths you should follow.'" Isaiah 48:17

this is what makes me smile:
being finished.

what a great day. :)

it snowed, just enough to look pretty.

i didn't get behind a tractor going 18 mph...but i DID get behind a garbage truck...which pulled over to let me pass! that never happens!!

my tea was perfectly perked.

i got to color for half an hour. at work.

i made up a casserole for lunch AND the kids liked it.

i got to hear W say, "miss amy, that was berishus."

i found a radical half green/half purple grape.

the dishwasher was very cooperative.

i found out i am not the only adult who dances like a 2 year old.

the door was NOT opened suddenly while i was using the bathroom at work.

one of the toddlers called me "amy"...which is a big deal because she only says about 8 other words...hotdog is one of them, lol. (one of the other kids in that class calls me "yunch"...because i bring his lunch. heheh)

i had some delicious hummus.

hannah did her homework without arguing.

i had a Divine appointment.

...where i saw an old friend.

i got to help 3 over-stressed moms of young kiddos to DE-stress.

i successfully removed a cake from a bundt pan.

i found my missing shoe.

and now matisyahu is on leno. 

see? told you it was a good one. :)

this just illustrates the fact that my crappy days (like yesterday, instead of murphy's law it was totally mine.) are so dependent on my own attitude. i was NOT having another yesterday today. so i didn't. and now i feel silly for having one yesterday. i even started off laughing at the ridiculousness of it all...but little by little i allowed that little grain of irritation to grow into a big ole pearl of sour grumpusness. thankfully, i am back to laughing at the ridiculousness of the vast amounts of things that went whack yesterday. i would include a list, just because i DO think it's funny, but i am going to refrain, just in case it may serve as a fertilizer for a crappy pants attitude in the future. i also purposefully did not post the long list of those things yesterday either, for the same reason. i am working on it, people. slow but steady wins the race, right? heheh

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

this is what makes me smile:

snow. duh.

i am having strange kind of flashback-y feelings to the end of my senior year in high school. it's a weird mix of emotions for me right now.
i graduate from PMI on friday. it's kind of hard for me to believe that i've already come to the end of my schooling, yet on the other hand it seems like it's been a long time coming. and by "it" i mean my actually following through with a nudge (in this case it was more of a kick, heheh).
i remember (vividly) my first "try out" class last november. i was sooo nervous. terrified, really, and not sure how things were going to work out, especially financially. i am still working on that part. trusting...it will come. when it's time. but no more classes after tomorrow night. i am really going to miss seeing the girls every monday & tuesday, and i'm so thankful to have met each one of them. i have never met a more motley crew that got along so well together. ♥ that would be a good blog post sometime.
so, i am "technically" graduating, but i still have a few loose ends to tie up before it's all officially official. i'm not sure why i'm not freaking out about not being completely done & REALLY graduating on friday, but i am attributing that unexpected peace and acceptance to God. it will all pull together when it is His time for it to happen- i am sure of that one thing, if nothing else. who knows? maybe by not being able to really move forward right now, i am being saved from jumping into something i shouldn't... perhaps, by having to wait a little longer, i will end up somewhere better.
 :)


this is what makes me smile:
my grandma's bathroom wallpaper.

when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, "it is well, it is well with my soul." ...though satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul. ... my sin-oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!-my sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! ... And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, even so, it is well with my soul. 
-Horatio G. Spafford.


do you ever just take a minute and let an old hymn really sink into your spirit? the songs i grew up singing back in the day, before the awesome trend of jumbo screens with lyrics, must have drilled deep down into my heart. when i hear or sing them now, they seem so much more meaningful to me than they did when i was young. my worship leader has taken to including one or two of the "old classics" in our otherwise very contemporary worship time. i am totally loving it. i've always thought that hymns get a bad wrap. maybe the style of the music they are sung to could use some tweaking, but the heart of the worshipper is still in the words. these songs are especially comforting and special to me in times when i have a lot going on..i find myself humming "jesus paid it all" or "blessed assurance" while washing the dishes, chopping up various items for the kids' lunches,  finishing up some last minute work for school... or while i am just attempting to peace out somewhere, trying to calm my mind & flush out some of those irritating worries that like to try to creep their way in. 
soo...yay for hymns! :)

this is what makes me smile:
celebrating Jesus.