there is a quote i remember from a poster on the wall in one of my high school classrooms that says, "Information is the resolution of uncertainty." it was a horrible poster, a neon spray painted brick wall that had a fancy plaque with the quote on it in some formal type.
i didn't agree with it then, and i don't agree with it now. just because you know, that doesn't make you certain. in theory, it works. but you have to factor in the individual, and i have a history of being uncertain. of myself, of others, of pretty much everything. maybe this comes from over analyzing. maybe from a somewhat challenging childhood. maybe it just stems from my over all lack of self confidence. maybe it's just the way i operate. whatever it is, i can't seem to get a handle on my uncertainty. and it drives me bananas.
for example, today i attended the morning session of classes with the "new" students. willi (my instructor) kept looking to me to answer questions that the new people didn't know, but that she knew i did. ridiculously simple things like what is the action of the levator scapulae? i learned that the first class i attended, and have heard it probably in every one since then, but somehow, even though i knew that i knew the right answer...i was uncertain. like, perhaps they rewrote the medical dictionary over night and now it does something different than ELEVATE the SCAPULA! whatever, brain. you suck sometimes.
even with other things that i know...i will sit back and let someone else answer-just in case. i guess i am just scared of being wrong. but not really, because i am wrong all the time & it doesn't bother me so much that i don't do anything. nobody is right all the time! still, i know that's part of it. i pretty much just sit back and let other people do almost everything. maybe i'm just lazy. hah, nah, it's more than that.
i am not a big risk taker in general, it's really hard for me to step out and do something that is different, or could possibly land me in the reject pile. so i guess my uncertainty=fear of rejection/failure. fear of not measuring up. fear. there it is. fear. and "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.
if there was no other reason for me to go on that missions trip back in 1995, having that verse power blasted into my spirit was enough. fear..i think almost all of my "problems" can be traced back to fear of something. booo on fear.
i need to make myself step out more. but just the thought makes me uncertain that it will change anything for the better. uncertainty stinks. and so does going around in circles. sometimes, i wish i could pull a "fight club" and just beat the sense into myself.
i need to take that power, and love and fly. the sound mind...yeah, that would be nice, too. why is that so hard to do??
ah. enough of the ruminating. for now.
**later** i guess this probably has something to do with pride, too. because, though my confidence IS lacking, i probably do strive too hard to protect what little ego i have left. :/ i guess this is all pretty "normal"...just a couple of the things i would really like to change about meself. i'm still a work in progress. :)
in the evening installment of classes, i answered lots of questions. a couple of them i got wrong, and guess what? i didn't die. or spontaneously combust. hooray for little steps. now to keep those feet moving...
this is what makes me smile:
dear deer.
on my way home from class this morning, i saw 2 eagles soaring around & i pulled off to the side of the road to TRY and take a picture (i did..but it just looks like a flying ice cream sprinkle or something). when i gave up, these two were standing right in front of me in the middle of the road...watching me. unfortunately, they are fast because that would have been a great picture.
